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Band 5

It is universally accepted that eating too much sugar has a negative effect on people’s health. Therefore, some believe that the government should control the amount of sugar people consume. Others think that it is the responsibility of an individual to monitor their sugar intake. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#sugar #effect #people’s #health #believe #government #control #amount #people #responsibility #intake
People
 have different views about who
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 the
responsibility
 of consuming too much
sugar
 for
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
. Some
people
 believe that the
government
 have its
responsibility
,
while
 others would suggest that
pepole
Correct your spelling
people
 should control
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 quantity of
sugar
 by themselves.
This
 essay will discuss
this
 issue from both perspectives and I am of the opinion that the latter views because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
intaking
Verb problem
taking
show examples
sugar
 is
personal
Correct article usage
a personal
show examples
choices
Fix the agreement mistake
choice
show examples
. On the one hand, there are some grounds
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 view that the
government
's duty is bigger than
individual's
Correct article usage
the individual's
show examples
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
To begin
 with, as today's lifestyle has been changing, eating habits are changing as well. It is no doubt
fact
Correct article usage
a fact
show examples
 that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the varieties of snacks have a lot of amount of
sugar
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days. Not only
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of foods are mostly convenient, but
also
 cheaper than healthy or organic foods.
For instance
, most
american
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American
show examples
 children eat 'pop tart' which is
sweet
Correct article usage
a sweet
show examples
snacks
Fix the agreement mistake
snack
show examples
 for
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
breakfast.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 the
government
Fix the agreement mistake
governments
show examples
 of many countries are not implementing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
restriction
Fix the agreement mistake
restrictions
show examples
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
amoubt
Correct your spelling
amount
 of
sugar
 in
food
, many
food
 companies do not care about the percentage of
sugar
 and they make their
food
 commodities sweeter.
Therefore
, the
government
 should make a regulation of the amount of
food
 that citizens
intake
Verb problem
consume
show examples
 because
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 have a duty
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
public's
Correct article usage
the public's
show examples
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
.
On the other hand
, I believe that
people
 should care about their diet.
Firstly
,
people
 should take care of their health themselves.
In other words
,
overdose
Add an article
an overdose
the overdose
show examples
 of
sugar
 is associated with individual health
directely
Correct your spelling
directly
.
According to
 recent research, most citizens tend to buy without regard
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
food
sugar
 content and they only consider the prices and taste.
In addition
, it is impossible for the
government
 to
monitoring about
Wrong verb form
monitor
show examples
 individual
sugar
 intake.
Admitteldy
Correct your spelling
Additionally
, it would be better to control
food
's
ingredents
Correct your spelling
ingredients
 and
nutritions detail
Fix the agreement mistake
nutrition details
show examples
 for individuals. In short, adjusting the amount of
sugar
consume
Change the form of the verb
consumed
show examples
 is
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
responsibility
 of
Correct article usage
the indivisual
show examples
indivisual
Correct your spelling
individual
individuals
. In
coclusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, it is not a clear-cut issue.
However
, it is not the
responsibility
 of any
partly
Correct your spelling
party
show examples
 alone. Even though I suggest
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 have
responsibility
 for
this
 issue more than the
government
, it is imperative that there should
be combine
Change the verb form
be combined
show examples
 efforts of both individuals and the
government
.
Submitted by kimjy3329 on

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grammar
There are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings in the essay, such as 'who have the responsibility of consuming too much sugar for citizen.' and 'many food companies do not care about the percentage of sugar.' Focus on refining sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy.
relevance
You provided a variety of reasons and examples, which is great. However, some sentences seem to be repetitive or not directly relevant. For instance, 'For instance, most american children eat 'pop tart''. Try to make sure every point directly supports your argument.
coherence
While the essay is well-organized with clear paragraphs for each view and a conclusion, make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Consider using more linking words and phrases to enhance the flow.
introduction
The introduction clearly outlines both perspectives and your opinion, which is good. However, the language could be more concise, and certain phrases could be clearer. For instance, 'the latter views because of intaking sugar is personal choices' could be rephrased for clarity.
content
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and provides a balanced discussion from both perspectives before offering your own opinion.
conclusion
Your conclusion reinforces your personal viewpoint while acknowledging the complexity of the issue, which is an effective way to conclude an essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • negative effect on health
  • government control
  • sugar consumption
  • public awareness campaigns
  • excessive sugar
  • regulations
  • tax on sugary products
  • limits for sugar levels
  • manufacturers
  • accountability
  • freedom of choice
  • health implications
  • dietary habits
  • lifestyle changes
  • reading labels
  • healthier alternatives
  • self-regulation
  • personal accountability
  • external regulations
  • public health measures
What to do next:
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