IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is universally accepted that eating too much sugar has a negative effect on people’s health. Therefore, some believe that the government should control the amount of sugar people consume. Others think that it is the responsibility of an individual to monitor their sugar intake. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is thought by some that
sugar
Use synonyms
 poses a threat to our health and the sales of
this
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 product should be banned by the
government
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others disagree and think that the elimination of
sugar
Use synonyms
 should be done individually.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both sides of
this
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 phenomenon. I tend to agree with the latter argument and will support my opinion with examples. On the one hand, it is undeniable that
sugar
Use synonyms
 affects people`s well-being
negatevily
Correct your spelling
negatively
.
Firstly
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, numerous
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
 are associated with
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
daily consumption of
sugar
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, including dental diseases.
For instance
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,
sugar
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 can accelerate the process of fat accumulation and lead to
ilnesses
Correct your spelling
illnesses
such
Linking Words
 as obesity.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a recent study has shown that people
nowodays
Correct your spelling
nowadays
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 addicted to sweets and it is challenging for them to follow a
Use synonyms
sugar free
Add a hyphen
sugar-free
show examples
 diet.
Therefore
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, control by
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
government
Use synonyms
 would help them to be aware of the amount of
sugar
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 they intake.
And
Correct word choice
On
show examples
on the other hand
Linking Words
, depriving from control over food without taking people's preferences into account has its own drawbacks. Despite the belief that
sugar
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 has an adverse effect on our
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
, it can
also
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 be useful in some cases.
For example
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, eating chocolate can cheer up individuals and help to keep a high spirit even in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stressful situations.
Moreover
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,
sugar
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 adds sweetness to foods and beverages, making them more enjoyable to consume.
To conclude
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,
sugar
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 is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a harmful additive nowadays and
for
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
intake should be
controled
Correct your spelling
controlled
 by the
government
Use synonyms
. I believe that putting restrictions on
sugar
Use synonyms
 by
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should not be implemented since
sugar
Use synonyms
 serves as
product
Add an article
a product
the product
show examples
 that can improve mood.

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Task Response
Your essay addresses both views of the topic and provides your opinion, which is good. However, some points in your argument could benefit from further elaboration and clarification. For instance, explaining the drawbacks of government intervention in more depth would strengthen your position.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a coherent structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the transition between ideas can be smoother to improve overall flow. Try using linking phrases like 'Moreover,' 'Additionally,' and 'On the contrary' to connect your points more seamlessly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to proofread your work for spelling and grammatical errors. Small mistakes such as 'negatevily,' 'ilnesses,' and 'nowodays' can distract the reader and weaken your argument. Consider using grammar-check tools or asking someone to review your essay before submission.
Task Response
You effectively present both sides of the argument and provide a clear opinion, which meets the requirements of the task.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and directly address the essay question.
Task Response
You use relevant examples to support your points, which helps to clarify your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • negative effect on health
  • government control
  • sugar consumption
  • public awareness campaigns
  • excessive sugar
  • regulations
  • tax on sugary products
  • limits for sugar levels
  • manufacturers
  • accountability
  • freedom of choice
  • health implications
  • dietary habits
  • lifestyle changes
  • reading labels
  • healthier alternatives
  • self-regulation
  • personal accountability
  • external regulations
  • public health measures
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