Some people think job satisfaction is more important than job security, while others believe that having a permanent job is better than enjoying the job. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

There has been a growing trend of choosing
jobs
beyond satisfaction rather than security since it can develop not only
job
motivation and efficiency. I understand
this
viewpoint,
however
, I
also
believe that having a permanent
job
can increase a person’s contentment of his or her life.
To begin
with,
job
satisfaction has contributed to the development of both employee's careers and society. If individuals get
jobs
that suit their aptitude, they can fully engage in their workforce, which allows them to be respected by colleagues. I think
this
seems effective at improving personal growth and industry development. To illustrate
this
statement, I will introduce Bark Jin Young who became completely immersed in his
job
as a producer. He has strived hard to find K-pop singers for a few years, resulting in driving Korea to the top of the entertainment industry all over the world. From
this
example, I believe that enjoying
jobs
has various positive effects on both individuals and societies.
On the other hand
, a permanent
job
affects an individual's psychological stability.
This
is because people who have a stable
job
might not have to get pressured about seeking
another
Replace the adjective
another job
other jobs
show examples
jobs
or making money. Without having those challenges, these people are more inclined to invest their time and money to figure out hobbies or exercise,
instead
of being stressed out, which will eventually strengthen their mental health and physical health simultaneously.
For example
, in Korea, most public officials, which is one of
permanent
Add an article
the permanent
show examples
jobs
, have said that they are satisfied with their stable
jobs
because they don't struggle with
job
performance.
Consequently
, I think
instead
of resorting
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
finding interests in
jobs
, having a permanent
job
seems more beneficial to
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
life.
To sum up
, as compared above, people can choose their
jobs
depending on their life perspectives.
However
, as a person who puts more value on personal growth, I believe a
job
should be chosen by our aspirations.
This
choice will continue our society's well-being in the future.
Submitted by kchengii on

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coherence
To further enhance coherence, consider using more varied transition signals like 'furthermore,' 'moreover,' and 'in addition' to link ideas seamlessly.
task achievement
For a stronger argument, ensure that your examples are not just relevant, but also elaborated upon clearly to support your points more effectively.
general
Please proofread to correct minor grammatical errors and improve phrasing. This will ensure clarity and precision of ideas.
task achievement
The essay presents a well-rounded discussion of both views and clearly states your own opinion, which is critical for task achievement.
task achievement
The use of relevant examples such as Bark Jin Young contributes significantly to supporting your main points.
coherence
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which contributes to its logical flow.

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