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Band 4

Many young people don't spend their holidays and weekends doing outdoor activities, like hiking and climbing, in a natural environment. Why is this the case? How can they be encouraged to go out?

#people #holidays #weekends #activities #environment #case
Most individuals do not want their vacation and free time doing outdoor
activities
 like hiking and climbing in natural environments. I will state my personal position with proper examples. In Uzbekistan, most
people
 prefer to stay at home every their free time or special holidays and others. Every worker wants to relax after their busy workplace. Even, they prefer to just stay at home and relax
instead
 of doing other things at their weekends. I think that’s how they relax. In other cases, some kinds of
people
 like outdoor
activities
.
For example
: running, hiking, climbing, jumping. They really relax to doing like these sport
activities
.
People
 who do a lot of sports have more energy.
Such
people
 do not miss their training
due to
 various holidays or weekends. Since
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 they feel relieved by expending their energy. In my opinion, both concepts are true. But, using sports
activities
 without any vacations is more fitting for the purpose.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
To improve your Task Achievement, make sure to address both parts of the question equally. You mentioned why people might prefer to spend their time indoors but didn't elaborate enough on how they can be encouraged to go out. Provide more detailed suggestions or examples for better balance.
coherence cohesion
The introduction sets the context but is slightly vague. A more specific introduction would make your position clearer from the start. Similarly, a stronger conclusion that summarizes your main points is needed.
coherence cohesion
For better Coherence and Cohesion, ensure that your paragraphs are well-linked with appropriate linking words and phrases. The transition between your ideas should be smoother, and each paragraph should focus on a single idea backed by examples or explanations.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphs. You divide your ideas into different segments, which makes it easier to follow your line of thought.
task achievement
You included some specific examples, like mentioning Uzbekistan and different types of outdoor activities, which help to concretize your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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