Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to teach children to be a good citizen or worker rather than to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is often argued that teaching students to be
a
good Correct article usage
apply
citizen
better than Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
teach
them to Wrong verb form
teaching
knopw
only Correct your spelling
know
individuals
profits. For my perspective, I completely agree with Change the noun form
individual
this
statement, and the following example will be provided in order to support my point of view.
One of the most important reasons why the
Correct article usage
apply
school
have to focus on Fix the agreement mistake
schools
to be
a good citizen is that Change the verb form
being
country
will develop faster without many problems since the population will think about another than themselves. Correct article usage
the country
For instance
, according to
the latest research conducted by the
students from Bangkok University, it revealed that 80% of the wealthy Correct article usage
apply
countries
who
treat their population on duty and royalty tend to have a good economic and stable Correct pronoun usage
that
of
development which is necessary basic in the school . Change preposition
apply
This
demonstrates that good workers are
a major role in addressing Verb problem
play
this
topic which should lead to government policies for other countries
. Also
, parents ought to be concerned about children'
Change noun form
children's
behaviors
.
Another significant reason to support Change the spelling
behaviours
this
is the fact that children will know sharing and responsibility for sicial
. Correct your spelling
social
This
is because when they grow up, they realise their duties. As a result
, everyone work
Change the verb form
works
as
a good attitude. Change preposition
with
Therefore
, it effect
a good way for Verb problem
affects
countries
which should lead to government policies for other countries
.
In conclusion, it is undoubtedly true that teaching the
Correct article usage
apply
student
to be a good population is better than Fix the agreement mistake
students
guide
them to focus on Wrong verb form
guiding
individuals
profits because Change the noun form
individual
country
will develop faster and know sharing Add an article
the country
to
Change preposition
with
another person
.Fix the agreement mistake
other people
Submitted by chuangyaem on
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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear position and you have given relevant examples. However, try to elaborate a bit more on those examples for stronger support.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that there is a clear logical structure. Some of your points seem repetitive, especially in the latter part of the essay. Try to make each paragraph contribute a unique argument.
coherence cohesion
Focus on improving sentence structure and grammar to enhance clarity. For instance, "treat their population on duty and royalty" can be rephrased for better understanding.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which effectively set the stage and summarize your points.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt well and provides a clear opinion.
task achievement
You have used relevant examples to illustrate your points.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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