IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to teach children to be a good citizen or worker rather than to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #purpose #schools #children #citizen #worker #benefit #individuals
It is often argued that teaching students to be
a
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apply
show examples
good
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 better than
teach
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teaching
show examples
 them to
knopw
Correct your spelling
know
 only
individuals
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individual
show examples
 profits. For my perspective, I completely agree with
this
 statement, and the following example will be provided in order to support my point of view. One of the most important reasons why
the
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apply
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school
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schools
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 have to focus on
to be
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being
show examples
 a good citizen is that
country
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the country
show examples
 will develop faster without many problems since the population will think about another than themselves.
For instance
,
according to
 the latest research conducted by
the
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apply
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students from Bangkok University, it revealed that 80% of the wealthy
countries
who
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that
show examples
 treat their population on duty and royalty tend to have a good economic and stable
of
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apply
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development which is necessary basic in the school .
This
 demonstrates that good workers
are
Verb problem
play
show examples
 a major role in addressing
this
 topic which should lead to government policies for other
countries
.
Also
, parents ought to be concerned about
children'
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children's
show examples
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
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. Another significant reason to support
this
 is the fact that children will know sharing and responsibility for
sicial
Correct your spelling
social
.
This
 is because when they grow up, they realise their duties.
As a result
, everyone
work
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works
show examples
as
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with
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 a good attitude.
Therefore
, it
effect
Verb problem
affects
show examples
 a good way for
countries
 which should lead to government policies for other
countries
. In conclusion, it is undoubtedly true that teaching
the
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apply
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student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 to be a good population is better than
guide
Wrong verb form
guiding
show examples
 them to focus on
individuals
Change the noun form
individual
show examples
 profits because
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 will develop faster and know sharing
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
another person
Fix the agreement mistake
other people
show examples
.
Submitted by chuangyaem on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear position and you have given relevant examples. However, try to elaborate a bit more on those examples for stronger support.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that there is a clear logical structure. Some of your points seem repetitive, especially in the latter part of the essay. Try to make each paragraph contribute a unique argument.
coherence cohesion
Focus on improving sentence structure and grammar to enhance clarity. For instance, "treat their population on duty and royalty" can be rephrased for better understanding.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which effectively set the stage and summarize your points.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt well and provides a clear opinion.
task achievement
You have used relevant examples to illustrate your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pedagogical approach
  • civic responsibility
  • vocational skills
  • holistic development
  • critical thinking
  • emotional intelligence
  • personal interests
  • community involvement
  • effective employees
  • educational institutions
  • societal norms
  • personal growth
  • competent citizens
What to do next:
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