Some people believe that professional athletes serve as positive role models for young people, while others argue that their behavior both on and off the field has a negative influence. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

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It is said that skilful
athletes
have a significant role to play advantageous characteristics for the young but some believe that their etiquette not only on but
also
off the field has
disadvantageous
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a disadvantageous
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impact.
While
each has its own perk, I would contend that it is optimal to combine both perspectives. Without a shadow of a doubt, experienced players who inspire the young deserve to act as a model. They generally have a positive energy
on
Change preposition
in
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their facets regardless of their situations and have an optimistic attitude toward young
people
. Ronaldo can be a compelling instance for the idol of youth because of his attempt. To be specific, he was not born
in
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into
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a wealthy family but he had a burning passion for football. Despite his inferior background, he always tries his best to pursue his passion. He now has become not only one of the
talented
Correct quantifier usage
most talented
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footballers but
also
one of the
inspirational
Correct quantifier usage
most inspirational
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people
in the world. By his
endeavor
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endeavour
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, it encourages the young to pursue their dream in the future.
Therefore
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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professional
athletes
are a fancy mirror for younger
people
.
However
, the
athletes
also
have unfair
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
which adversely affect the adolescent. They use stimulants which are banned in sports in order to permanently enhance their performance in the match.
For instance
, Dopamine is a kind of medicine that can stimulate their muscles and it is used in swimming,
cycling
Correct word choice
and cycling
show examples
to cheat. Whenever the
sport
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sports
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center examines their blood and realizes it
as
Correct your spelling
is
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unusual , the
athletes
will be out. That brings harmful influence on the young no matter what the rules and aspire to win by all means.
Hence
, unfair actions of the players can make young
people
have unsatisfactory results. In conclusion, the
athletes
bring both the merits and demerits to the adolescent
such
as their inspiration and their unfair etiquettes respectively.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear discussion of both perspectives and includes relevant examples, which is great. However, some improvements can enhance your task achievement. For example, you could further develop the examples to provide more depth and clarity to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
To achieve better coherence, try to use more variety in your linking phrases and ensure each paragraph flows smoothly to the next. Consider using more complex sentence structures for better readability.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical inaccuracies and awkward phrasings that can be improved. For instance, 'a fancy mirror' is not the best choice of words. Instead, consider phrases like 'a valuable role model' or 'a positive example.'
task achievement
The example of Ronaldo used to illustrate the positive influence of athletes is very effective and relevant.
coherence cohesion
Your inclusion of both sides of the argument is well-done and balanced, making the essay comprehensive and fair.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, making the structure clear.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • role model
  • determination
  • discipline
  • work ethic
  • community service
  • charitable activities
  • poor behavior
  • unsportsmanlike conduct
  • media scrutiny
  • public perception
  • materialism
  • physical and mental health issues
  • impressionable youth
  • high levels
  • pursuing sports
  • positive influence
  • negative influence
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