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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

SUCCESS IS OFTEN MEASURED IN TERMS OF HOW MUCH MONEY SOMEBODY HAS EARNED. DO YOU THINK WEALTH IS A GOOD MEASURE OF SUCCESS? HOW ELSE COULD WE MEASURE WHETHER SOMEBODY IS SUCCESSFUL OR NOT?

#success #terms #money #somebody #wealth #measure
There are various means through which achievement is been measured.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 some weigh successful
people
 by the
amount
 of
money
 in their savings. In
this
 essay, I will explain why
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
money
 should not be used to determine the level of success and
also
 discuss other ways an individual's wealth can be measured.  Generally speaking, many
people
 concluded that anybody with
large
Add an article
a large
the large
show examples
amount
 of
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
 in his possession or bank account is considered to be successful,
however
, the
amount
 of
money
 any person controls should not be a determinant of success. Accumulation of wealth is
though
Change preposition
apply
show examples
one of the
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
 to measure and not the only standard
to conclude
 if any citizen has made it in life.
Moreover
 many individuals with
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of
money
 in their
account
Fix the agreement mistake
accounts
show examples
 may have borrowed it from financial
institution
Fix the agreement mistake
institutions
show examples
 to execute one business or the other. The richest man in North Africa in the year 2005
according to
forbes
Change the capitalization
Forbes
show examples
 categorization fell to number ten immediately
afterbbank
Correct your spelling
after bank
after banks
 withdrew the
money
lended
Correct your spelling
lent
show examples
 to him to discharge a national project.
Although
people
's financial record is one of the measuring criteria, there are other ways achievement can be ascertained. The primary of them is considering
individuals
Fix the agreement mistake
individual
show examples
 investment in other sectors.
Lot
Change the article
A lot
show examples
 of business
people
 invest their capital
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 various sectors as a way of putting their
money
 to work for them
whereas
 in their savings a very
little
Correct word choice
small
show examples
amount
 of
money
 is kept there.
Secondly
, Analyzing
asset
Fix the agreement mistake
assets
show examples
 owned by
people
 is another way of checking to know how successful an individual is. Many
people
 use their
money
 to buy assets in the form of buildings in highly expensive areas, industries and companies are other forms of
fix
Replace the word
fixed
show examples
 assets that  should be considered whether an individual is rich or not and not the statement of account. In conclusion,
although
 many
people
considered
Wrong verb form
consider
show examples
 financial capability as a means to measure
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
 affluence,
however
, assets and investments declaration are two
better weighing
Add a hyphen
better-weighing
show examples
 balances to pronounce
success
Correct article usage
the success
show examples
 of
people
.
Submitted by tunjosh2 on

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task achievement
Ensure that the essay stays on topic consistently, avoiding any tangential or unrelated information. The introduction should be more engaging and clearly outline the essay structure.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Use connecting phrases and conjunctions to link ideas within and between paragraphs.
task achievement
Support your arguments with more specific examples and relevant data. Providing concrete evidence strengthens your position and makes your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing the discussion on the topic.
task achievement
The writing generally addresses the prompt, giving a valid viewpoint that wealth should not be the only measure of success.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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