IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2

For many young people today, shopping is their favourite free time activity. Why do you think this has happened? Should young people be encouraged to do different activities in their free time?

#people #favourite #time #activity #activities
In my opinion, it might be true because for some reasons.
First,
in the context of culture, different cultures might bring non-fit acts,
such
 as food and beverage, dressing style, language, etc.
Second,
environmental damage, bad tourists might be harmful to
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 by throwing trash anywhere, hurting animals, or breaking cultural
artifacts
Change the spelling
artefacts
show examples
. But, I do believe that people tend to adjust themself to their environment. That's why it is important to give a general guideline in tourism areas, accessible information
centre
Fix the agreement mistake
centres
show examples
 and well-informed marketing campaigns.
Besides
, we can set a regulation to make tourists align with our interests. We can design an immigration procedure, persuade tourists through a tourism area guide, and educate them with signage, brochures on the location, or interactive web information. In conclusion, by designing
Correct article usage
an approriate
show examples
approriate
Correct your spelling
appropriate
 policy, we can reduce the negative effects and gain many positive effects of tourism in our country.
Submitted by ash_shoffat on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay needs a clearer response to why shopping is a favorite free-time activity for young people. Address this task more directly and provide specific reasons or examples.
coherence and cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea that supports the thesis. Consider revising the essay structure to ensure logical flow of arguments.
task response
Expand on your ideas. Provide more detailed explanations and specific examples to support your points. This will help in making your arguments more compelling.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure conclusions are clearly linked to the main arguments of the essay. This will help in providing a strong, cohesive ending to your essay.
content
Good attempt at addressing potential cultural and environmental impacts of tourism. This shows a broad understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: