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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part pf high school programmes ( for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #community #service #part #pf #school #programmes #charity #neighbourhood #sports #children
A number of people believe it should be a requirement for high
school
 programmes to include
an
Remove the article
apply
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unpaid
community
service
, like working for charity,
teaching
Correct word choice
or teaching
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 sports to younger children. I completely agree with
this
 idea and consider it as a helpful way to educate pupils that
also
 can benefit them with the future job aspects. First of all,
community
service
 teaches teenagers how to be responsible in life. Participating in the organization of different events illustrates the importance of planning, and
also
 showcases the main strategies and rules one should follow.
Therefore
, by being a part of the team youngster can take away with them many lessons, including responsibility and its importance.
For instance
, children who during the
school
 participate in
variety
Add an article
a variety
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 of courses, like dancing, swimming, and gardening develop
such
 traits as
reponsibility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
,
confidence
Correct word choice
and confidence
show examples
 and are considered to be more well-rounded.
Secondly
, putting oneself in many different situations and trying new things can help teenagers to better understand what they want to do after graduation. A vast variety of options in
community
service
 provides more chances for children to choose what they would like to do.
Following
this
, during the
service
, they
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not only work
,
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apply
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 but
also
 learn and discover new things themselves.
According to
 some
researches
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research
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, people who
was
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were
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 able to find the profession they are passionate about
,
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apply
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 had tried many other positions before finding the right one.
In other words
,
community
 services that high schools provide can play a significant role in
the
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apply
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figuring out a place of occupation. All in all, I agree with the idea of making unpaid
community
service
as
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apply
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a
compulsary
Correct your spelling
compulsory
 part of high
school
. Because it sets a stage for the child's future by educating them and helping to define the direction they would like to choose after graduating
school
Change preposition
from school
show examples
.
Submitted by katenok200312 on

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task achievement
While the essay offers a clear stance on the topic, it can benefit from more specific examples to support the main points. For instance, including real-life examples or anecdotes might make the arguments more compelling.
task achievement
Ensure that all arguments are equally developed. For example, the second paragraph could delve deeper into how responsibility and confidence are developed through community work.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, use more cohesive devices (e.g., moreover, furthermore) to link ideas between paragraphs more clearly. The transition between the second and third paragraphs could be smoother.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is strong, with each paragraph contributing to the central argument.
task achievement
The main points are clearly supported by examples, particularly in the second and third paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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