IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Art classes, such as painting or drawing, are as important for children’s development as other subjects, so it should be compulsory in high school. Do you agree or disagree?

It is widely believed that
art
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
provide
Verb problem
have
show examples
 significant impacts on
children’s
Use synonyms
 development.
While
Linking Words
 it is true that they offer undeniable benefits for youngsters’ growth, I contend that the compulsoriness in high school is unnecessary.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, there are several advantages
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 teaching
art
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 high schoolers.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
art
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 enhance
children’s
Use synonyms
 creativity and imagination by encouraging them to create unique ideas through their fresh perspectives.
For instance
Linking Words
, with
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 simple task of drawing a dream house, students may create different illustrations with various combinations of lines and
colors
Change the spelling
colours
show examples
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, drawing or painting
classes
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 provide a means of self-expression and emotional outlet. It is scientifically proven that by viewing
children’s
Use synonyms
 works of
art
Use synonyms
, parents can profoundly understand their offspring.
This
Linking Words
 might positively improve the sense of mental well-being in children.
However
Linking Words
, I would argue that these
classes
Use synonyms
 should not be obligatory in
educational
Add an article
the educational
show examples
 system.
First,
Linking Words
forcing young individuals to enter
art
Use synonyms
 sessions may lead to disengagement among those who are not interested in the subject.
This
Linking Words
 might result in uncooperative
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 and repeated absences of students when they were having these
classes
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, since every youngster has different passions, they should be given the right to choose subjects based on their interests and career aspirations.
By promoting
Change preposition
Promoting
show examples
 flexibility in education,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
allows children to receive essential knowledge more effectively
Linking Words
along with
Change preposition
while
show examples
 pursuing their dream jobs. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 it cannot be denied that
art
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 present certain benefits
improving
Change preposition
in improving
show examples
children’s
Use synonyms
 maturation, I maintain that they should not be compulsory in high school.
Moreover
Linking Words
, schools should prioritize offering diverse opportunities for students to explore their own interests and
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
pursue their future paths to success.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a well-structured argument. To further enhance coherence, consider using more varied transitional phrases to link your ideas smoothly.
Task Achievement
While your main points are well-supported, they could benefit from more specific examples and evidence. Try to provide more detailed data or real-world examples to strengthen your arguments.
Task Achievement
Maintain a consistent style and tone throughout the essay. Ensure that your vocabulary usage is diverse but also clear and contextually appropriate.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay provides logical arguments and flows smoothly, showing a strong organization.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, addressing both sides of the argument effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive skills
  • Emotional intelligence
  • Mental well-being
  • Creativity and innovation
  • Cultural awareness
  • Global citizenship
  • Tolerance
  • Enhanced academic performance
  • Focus
  • Problem-solving skills
  • Mathematical abilities
  • Stress relief
  • Personal development
  • Self-discipline
  • Perseverance
  • Confidence
  • Teamwork
  • Collaboration
What to do next:
Look at other essays: