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Band 5

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

#countries #service #men #school #idea #system #women
An argument has arisen between
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 groups. Some nations believe that their citizens are obliged to do army service right after they graduate from school, especially for the boys. Others are attracted to
adopt
Wrong verb form
adopting
show examples
this
system
. I agree with the notion that other countries are suggested to apply
this
 policy since it will enforce the
defense
Change the spelling
defence
show examples
system
, but only for
men
. A
further
 explanation about my point of view will be
preseted
Correct your spelling
presented
this
Change preposition
in this
show examples
 essay.
Firstly
, adopting the military service
system
 for the communities will increase their nationalism.
For example
, if young
men
 are required to
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
 their names
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the camp, they will be taught a lot of materials related to the history of their countries
along with
 what their states have inherited
to
Change preposition
from
show examples
 them.
As a result
, the sense of belonging to their nations increases.
However
, there should be a different treatment for common citizens compared to the real army. They should not be trained tougher than the
defense
Change the spelling
defence
show examples
 force even though they are
also
 prepared to face the war, but
still
Add a comma
still,
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 they are not the main force. Meanwhile, from
women's
Correct article usage
the women's
show examples
 side, they are not strong enough to be trained like
men
.
That is
 why women should be exempted from military training.
In addition
, another positive impact of adopting
military
Correct article usage
a military
show examples
system
 is that it will enhance people's discipline.
For instance
, there is a strict mandatory schedule that should be followed by the participants. If they come late, they will get punished. From here, they learn not to waste
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time and to always come
punctual
Change the word
punctually
show examples
.
Although
 the rule is strict enough, the organizer still needs to make some
exception
Fix the agreement mistake
exceptions
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 for those who truly can not participate
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the schedule
due to
 some reasons. To
sums
Correct subject-verb agreement
sum
show examples
 up, adopting
military
Correct article usage
a military
show examples
 service
system
 for
men
 is suggested for many countries since it has many advantages,
such
 as, it will raise the citizens' nationalism and discipline as well.
On the other hand
, women could focus on other activities rather than be involved in the defence
system
.
Submitted by srsdy008 on

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coherence cohesion
To further improve your essay, be sure to refine your topic sentences for each paragraph. This will make the main points clearer and improve the flow of ideas.
task achievement
Make sure to guard against over-simplifying the issue concerning women in military service by addressing counter-arguments or acknowledging a range of perspectives.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, helping to frame the discussion effectively.
task achievement
The points made generally support the main argument, demonstrating good understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
What to do next:
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