IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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An argument has arisen between the two groups. Some nations believe that their citizens are obliged to do army service right after they graduate from school, especially for the boys. Others are attracted to
adopt
Wrong verb form
adopting
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this
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system
Use synonyms
. I agree with the notion that other countries are suggested to apply
this
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 policy since it will enforce the defence
system
Use synonyms
. I will elaborate more about my point of view in
this
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 essay.
Firstly
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, adopting the military service
system
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 for the communities will increase their nationalism.
For example
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, if young men are required to enrol their names
to
Change preposition
on
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 the camp, they will be taught a lot of materials related to the history of their countries
along with
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 what their states
inherit
Wrong verb form
inherited
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to
Change preposition
from
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 them.
As a result
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, the sense of belonging to their nations increases.
However
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, there should be a different treatment for common citizens compared to the real army. They should not be trained tougher than the defence force even though they are
also
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 prepared to face the war, but
still
Add a comma
still,
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 they are not the main force.
In addition
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, another positive impact of adopting a military
system
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 is that it will enhance people's discipline.
For instance
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, there is a strict mandatory schedule that should be followed by the participants. If they come late, they will get punished. From here, they learn not to waste
the
Correct article usage
apply
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time and to always come punctually.
Although
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 the rule is strict enough, the organizer still needs to make some
exception
Fix the agreement mistake
exceptions
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 for those who truly can not participate
on
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in
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 the schedule
due to
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 some reasons.
To sum up
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, adopting
military
Correct article usage
a military
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 service
system
Use synonyms
 is suggested for many countries since it has many advantages,
such
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 as, it will raise the citizens' nationalism and discipline as well.

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coherence cohesion
Strengthen the introduction by clearly outlining the structure of your essay. This can help improve logical structure and coherence.
task achievement
Ensure you expand on your ideas with more in-depth examples and explanations to better illustrate your points.
task achievement
Some sentences could be clearer. Try to simplify complex sentences for better readability.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, contributing well to the overall structure.
task achievement
The discussion is relevant and stays on topic, addressing multiple aspects of military service.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
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