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Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#countries #service #men #school #idea #system #women
An argument has arisen between the two groups. Some nations believe that their citizens are obliged to do army service right after they graduate from school, especially for the boys. Others are attracted to
adopt
Wrong verb form
adopting
show examples
this
system
. I agree with the notion that other countries are suggested to apply
this
 policy since it will enforce the defence
system
. I will elaborate more about my point of view in
this
 essay.
Firstly
, adopting the military service
system
 for the communities will increase their nationalism.
For example
, if young men are required to enrol their names
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the camp, they will be taught a lot of materials related to the history of their countries
along with
 what their states
inherit
Wrong verb form
inherited
show examples
to
Change preposition
from
show examples
 them.
As a result
, the sense of belonging to their nations increases.
However
, there should be a different treatment for common citizens compared to the real army. They should not be trained tougher than the defence force even though they are
also
 prepared to face the war, but
still
Add a comma
still,
show examples
 they are not the main force.
In addition
, another positive impact of adopting a military
system
 is that it will enhance people's discipline.
For instance
, there is a strict mandatory schedule that should be followed by the participants. If they come late, they will get punished. From here, they learn not to waste
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time and to always come punctually.
Although
 the rule is strict enough, the organizer still needs to make some
exception
Fix the agreement mistake
exceptions
show examples
 for those who truly can not participate
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the schedule
due to
 some reasons.
To sum up
, adopting
military
Correct article usage
a military
show examples
 service
system
 is suggested for many countries since it has many advantages,
such
 as, it will raise the citizens' nationalism and discipline as well.
Submitted by srsdy008 on

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coherence cohesion
Strengthen the introduction by clearly outlining the structure of your essay. This can help improve logical structure and coherence.
task achievement
Ensure you expand on your ideas with more in-depth examples and explanations to better illustrate your points.
task achievement
Some sentences could be clearer. Try to simplify complex sentences for better readability.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, contributing well to the overall structure.
task achievement
The discussion is relevant and stays on topic, addressing multiple aspects of military service.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
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