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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Scientist agree that many people eat too much chunk food and it is damaging their health. Some people think that this problem can be solved by educating people while others believe that this education will not work. Discuss both video and give your opinion.

#scientist #people #chunk #food #health #education #work #video
Researchers have different views about the prevention of consuming processed
food
.
While
 some
people
 believe that it can be controlled through education, in my opinion, these setbacks can be curbed by the government increasing the prices of fast
meals
. On the one hand, educating
people
 on the need not to consume canned
meals
 can be beneficial.
This
 is because some
people
 are not aware of the detrimental effect those
meals
 could have on their health. Professors can use animations
such
 as how
junk
food
 has
damages
Wrong verb form
damaged
show examples
 individual hearts, or livers just to create awareness for these folk.
For instance
, the vast majority of Ghanaians used to consume
junk
food
 because they did not know the harmful effects of it,
however
 after the Ministry of Education impacted knowledge on
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 folk, they realised the effect of it
as a result
, the
take
Wrong verb form
took
show examples
 of
this
 meal has dwindled.
This
 has helped reduce the risk of some
people
 having conditions
such
 as hypertension and even becoming obese.
On the other hand
, authorities can mitigate
this
 problem by increasing the price of those
meals
. A lot of
people
 always have a different opinion when purchasing goods that are expensive. They mostly desist from buying
such
 goods. The same thing applies to
junk
meals
.
People
 will not have the interest of buying them because of the price.
For example
, Kenja was among the highest countries where its members love consuming canned
food
as a result
, the vast majority of them
were having
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 diseases
such
 as hypertension,
myocardial
Correct word choice
and myocardial
show examples
 infarction. After the government raised the amount, the intake of fast
meals
 was reduced and
this
 has
subsequently
 prevented most companies from importing fast
meals
 from other countries. If the state had not elevated the amount,
people
 would be still buying them. It is in view of
this
 that I opine that, aside from education, consuming processed
meals
 can be curbed effectively by authorities increasing the price. In conclusion,
although
 impacting knowledge on humankind can help reduce the intake of
junk
food
,
however
, I believe that authorities can mitigate
this
 effectively by raising the amount of
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
fast
food
.
Submitted by boadimaxwell48 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a complete response to the prompt, discussing both views about preventing the consumption of processed food and providing your opinion clearly. However, consider improving the clarity and completeness of your ideas in some parts of the essay, especially the introduction and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay follows a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. To enhance coherence and cohesion further, consider using more varied linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the issue and your opinion, setting a good stage for the essay. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces your opinion.
task achievement
Your essay includes relevant specific examples, like the situation in Ghana and Kenya, which help support your points effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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