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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the mortality rate by age and gender in Africa in 1950, 1980, and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the mortality rate by age and gender in Africa in 1950, 1980, and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #mortality #rate #age #gender #africa #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The charts illustrate the likelihood of death by age and gender in Africa in 1950, 1980, and 2010. One of the first
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
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 to note is the
mortality
Use synonyms
 rates decreased as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time passed regardless of age. As the chart clearly
show
Change the verb form
shows
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, the
mortality
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 was highest among the oldest
member
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members
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 of society. In 1950, there was
82
Correct article usage
an 82
show examples
Use synonyms
percents
Change the noun form
percent
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 chance of death in
this
Linking Words
 age group. By 2010,
this
Linking Words
 figure decreased to 70
Use synonyms
percents
Fix the agreement mistake
percent
show examples
. There was
striking
Correct article usage
a striking
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different
Replace the word
difference
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 between adolescents and young adults. Unlike children, young adults in their 20s had
least
Correct article usage
the least
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 pass away.
This
Linking Words
 figure fell from 10
Use synonyms
percents
Fix the agreement mistake
percent
show examples
 to 2
Use synonyms
percents
Fix the agreement mistake
percent
show examples
.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 it is notable that
Use synonyms
mortality
Correct article usage
the mortality
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rate
Use synonyms
 accelerated when it
turns to 30s
Correct your spelling
turned 30
. In regard to gender,
man
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men
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 had
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
mortality
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 than
women
Use synonyms
 throughout the period. It is easily observed that
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the mortality
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mortality
Correct article usage
the mortality
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rate
Use synonyms
 among
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 fell from 38
Use synonyms
Fix the agreement mistake
percent
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percents
Fix the agreement mistake
percent
show examples
 to 24
Use synonyms
Fix the agreement mistake
percent
show examples
percents
Fix the agreement mistake
percent
show examples
.
Likewise
Linking Words
, the
mortality
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 among
women
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 declined from 29
Use synonyms
percents
Fix the agreement mistake
percent
show examples
 to 23
Use synonyms
percents
Fix the agreement mistake
percent
show examples
 throughout the period. The data shows that
Use synonyms
mortality
Correct article usage
the mortality
show examples
rate
Use synonyms
 among both
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
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 and
women
Use synonyms
 declined but
decrease
Add an article
a decrease
the decrease
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of
Change preposition
apply
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rate
Use synonyms
 was faster among males.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is seen that
mortality
Use synonyms
 rates among both declined between 1950 to 2010.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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 men still had a higher risk than
women
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, and
mortality
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 rates among adolescents
had
Verb problem
were
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 still high figure.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words mortality, rate, percents, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "show" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fell" was used 2 times.
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