IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Films and computer games which contain violence are very popular. Some people believe they have a negative effect on society and so should be banned. Other people, however, say they are just harmless and help people to relax. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#films #computer #games #violence #people #effect #society
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At
this
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 current time,
while
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 some
people
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 believe that violent content in
films
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 and computer
games
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 has a negative effect on society, others say that they are harmless and help
people
Use synonyms
 to relax. In my
opionin
Correct your spelling
opinion
, these violent scenes have undesirable consequences on young children. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand,
films
Use synonyms
 and computer
games
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 that contain violence are
considerd
Correct your spelling
considered
 one of
methods
Correct article usage
the methods
show examples
 of entertainment. Most
people
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, after their work, need to relax and find pleasure in playing or watching movies that increase adrenaline levels. An eminent example, many students
surrending
Correct your spelling
surrounding
 the world play Resident Evil online together on their weekends, which
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 them to get rid of excess energy .
As a result
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, what can be said is that violent entertainment is considered harmless, especially
the
Correct word choice
since the
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 majority of
people
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 have no difficulty distinguishing between fiction and reality.
On the other hand
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, Violent video
games
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 and
films
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 have negative outcomes
such
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 as suicide and crime.
In other words
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,
crime
Add an article
the crime
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 rate has increased lately with
spread
Add an article
the spread
a spread
show examples
 of violent
games
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 and
films
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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,
shooting
Replace the word
shootings
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 in
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
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 in
United
Correct article usage
the United
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 States Of America
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
been
Verb problem
become
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 more common these days compared to the past.
Thus
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, we can not turn a blind eye to the shocking
conseqences
Correct your spelling
consequences
 of violent
games
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 on our children’s future. In conclusion, by highlighting the above-mentioned points, it can be reiterated that
films
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 and computer
games
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 have both benign and malignant effects on our children and youth.
Moreover
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, parents should definitely take care of what their children are watching
due to
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 the considerable impact on their mental and psychological health.
Submitted by ahmedteleb500 on

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Grammar
Work on minimizing grammar and spelling errors to improve clarity, particularly correcting words like 'opionin' to 'opinion', 'surrending' to 'surrounding', and 'conseqences' to 'consequences'. This will make your writing flow better and more understandable.
Examples
Provide more specific and varied examples to strengthen your argument, particularly in the body paragraphs. The inclusion of precise instances can go a long way in making your points more convincing. Avoid over-relying on anecdotal evidence.
Support
Ensure that your arguments are thoroughly supported with evidence. Although your ideas are sound, they would benefit from further elaboration and clearer connections between your points and evidence.
Task Response
Your essay provides a clear and comprehensive response to the task, addressing both sides of the argument and including your own opinion.
Introduction & Conclusion
The introduction and conclusion are both strong and effectively summarize your main points.
Structure
Your logical structure is generally good, with clear paragraphs that each deal with a specific point. This helps in maintaining the reader’s interest and making your argument easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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