IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people think a country benefits from a large proportion of young university students, others think sending young people to universities only lead to graduate unemployment. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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The debate over the pros and cons of many youth enrolling in tertiary institutions is complex and ongoing. Proponents believe that more highly educated would benefit the nations,
while
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 critics argue that graduates would increase unemployment. I believe widespread college access can drive innovation and economic growth, which outweighs the drawbacks.
To begin
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 with, advanced education can cultivate the critical and innovative thinking of the students. They can gain valuable skills and knowledge that can be applied in the workforce,
also
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 boosting productivity and technological advancements.
For instance
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, countries like South Korea and India have rapid development in hi-tech technologies alongside a large proportion of higher education enrolment.
Moreover
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, highly educated individuals have greater opportunities to establish international networks, fostering global connections and understanding, which help them to earn more income and become valuable assets to society.
For example
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, the graduates have more chances to work in foreign companies which enables them to learn new skills and contribute knowledge to local young generations.
On the other hand
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, resource misallocation may cause unemployment for degree holders. Applicants usually follow the national planning and employment trends when choosing their fields.
However
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, a lack of placements in the job market
due to
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 economic environment changes may result in unemployed people or not working in businesses unrelated to their studies. To illustrate, the unemployment rate for people aged 16 to 24 is 21% in China
this
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 year, which is 3 times higher than other groups because of the recession and reduced new positions.
Therefore
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, results in overeducation and imposes financial burdens. In conclusion, it can maximize the human resources for economic returns by investing in tertiary education and necessary for the fast-paced world.
In addition
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, the key lies in well-planned strategies that are crucial to ensure the youth’s skills align with the occupation’s needs, providing a sense of reassurance and confidence in the proposed solution.

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coherence cohesion
Clarify your argument in the conclusion and ensure it directly aligns with the points made in the body paragraphs for maximum coherence.
task achievement
Expand slightly on the counterargument to provide a more balanced discussion. This will enhance your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction is clear and sets up the essay effectively, which contributes positively to coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples, such as the unemployment rate in China and the success of countries like South Korea and India, enhancing your task achievement.
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