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Band 5.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (eg. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree ? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#people #retirement #age #eg #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #benefit
A group of individuals
dispute
Wrong verb form
disputing
show examples
 setting a specific time for
retirement
 should not generalised for every person.
Instead
Add a comma
,
show examples
certain wages and age of
retirement
 are demanded for some careers in labour's early
years
 of
work
. Personally, I believe that
this
 notion is completely true, particularly, when it comes to though occupations like Nursing, Oil labours, and so on. People who
work
 under hard conditions which reduce their ability to
work
 for long-lasting jobs like management are more likely to lose their activity circumstances. In regard to
this
 point, they must nourished well in the early ages of their job.
For instance
, football players who start their professional career at 17
years
 of age after almost 20
years
 will get farewell to soccer because they cannot play as they did anymore.
Therefore
 authorities should take
this
 notion into consideration that they must undergo health and wealth support for their
retirement
 periods. One aspect that has an enormous significance on the age of the
retirement
 is body activities workers have in their workplace. Taking a look at the health conditions of these people,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should pay some perks and encourage privilege to help them be more satisfied with the jobs they have. It is said that
healthiness
Replace the word
health
show examples
 is the most important thing that a human can have.
In addition
, they are responsible for making them fulfilled with the job to still stay in their career. In conclusion, I totally concur with
this
 view that people in each career should be paid a certain amount of revenue and in order to do their job must get retire after
Change the article
a
the
show examples
certain number of
years
 of
work
.
Submitted by nimamoslemy on

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Language
Try to improve the clarity and accuracy of language. There are several grammatical errors and awkward phrases that can make the essay difficult to follow at times.
Examples
Provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. While the mention of football players is relevant, additional examples from other fields would make the essay more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is well-connected to the topic. Some ideas are introduced abruptly and need smoother transitions to improve the flow of the essay.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing the unfairness of a set retirement age and suggesting which types of workers might benefit from early retirement.
Task Achievement
The essay attempts to provide reasoning and examples to support the main points, which is a good practice in IELTS essays.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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