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Writing Samples
Band 4

persuassion essay about The role of women in the workforce

#persuassion #role #women #workforce
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In Colombian culture, the evolution of
women
's role in the workforce is changing the social and economic landscape. Historically,
women
 in Colombia have faced numerous barriers, including social and cultural barriers that hindered their advancement and empowerment in the professional world. Despite these challenges, progress has been made.
According to
 the National Administrative Department of Statistics (DANE), female
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 participation in the first quarter of 2024 was 52%, which,
although
 lower than the 76.3% participation of men, represents a significant achievement for
women
.
This
 essay aims to explain why the increasing role of
women
 in the workforce brings benefits, focusing on the advantages for companies, the promotion of equal opportunities, and the resilience and adaptability that
women
 bring to the workplace.
Submitted by viataz33 on

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task achievement
Try to expand more on the specific issues women faced historically in the Colombian workforce. Providing more context will strengthen the argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the subject.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph within the body of the essay clearly addresses a distinct point. This will enhance the logical structure and ensure that each point is thoroughly explored.
task achievement
Incorporate more statistics or specific examples to substantiate the claims made about the benefits of women's increasing role in the workforce. This will provide clearer evidence of task achievement and lend credibility to the argument.
coherence cohesion
Include a concise conclusion that summarizes the main points of the essay. This will provide a sense of closure and make your argument more persuasive.
task achievement
The introduction provides a clear and relevant context for the topic, effectively setting the stage for the discussion.
task achievement
The essay shows an understanding of the topic and presents a clear stance on the benefits of increasing the role of women in the workforce.
coherence cohesion
The quote from the National Administrative Department of Statistics (DANE) adds credibility and relevance to the essay by including current data.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender disparity
  • glass ceiling
  • work-life balance
  • economic empowerment
  • gender roles
  • equal opportunity
  • workforce diversity
  • inclusivity
  • career advancement
  • pay equity
  • stereotypes
  • traditional roles
  • professional development
  • underrepresentation
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