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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The chart below gives information on the number of workers in differnt occupations who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012.

The chart below gives information on the number of workers in differnt occupations who migrated to Australia between 2009 and 2012.
#information #workers #differnt #occupations #australia
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The given chart demonstrates
different
Correct article usage
the different
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 jobs which immigrants do for living in Australia in the period from 2009 to 2012. The data were measured in
Use synonyms
thousand
Fix the agreement mistake
thousands
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Use synonyms
workers
Change preposition
of workers
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that accountant was the highest in 2010
while
Linking Words
computer
Use synonyms
 programmer held the lowest rate in one
seperated
Correct your spelling
separate
 year in 2009 and 2011. It is
also
Linking Words
 notable that
computer
Use synonyms
programmer
Replace the word
programming
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 was not a popular trend when it experienced the lowest decrease rapidly in four years. Turning to the given information, it was clear that
accountant
Fix the agreement mistake
accountants
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 experienced the highest rate in 2010 before
decreased
Wrong verb form
decreasing
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 from 28 to 21
thousand
Use synonyms
 employees. Moving on
cook
Wrong verb form
to cooking
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, the figure remained stably around 15 to 18
thousand
Use synonyms
workers
Use synonyms
 through four years.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
software
Add an article
a software
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engineer
Fix the agreement mistake
engineers
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 was about as fifth times as
computer
Use synonyms
prgrammer
Correct your spelling
programmer
programme
in 2010, which were 20 and 4
thousand
Use synonyms
workers
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. Software
engineer
Fix the agreement mistake
engineers
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 increased from 19 to 21
thousand
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workers
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 between 2009 and 2011, before
dropped
Change the form of the verb
dropping
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 by 17
thousand
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workers
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 in 2012,
while
Linking Words
computer
Use synonyms
programmer
Fix the agreement mistake
programmers
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 experienced a rough rate which remained stably lower than 5
thousand
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workers
Use synonyms
through out
Correct your spelling
throughout
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 the period.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words thousand, workers, computer with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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