IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantage of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #work #move #friends #families #advantage #development
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One of
widely
Add an article
the widely
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 discussed issues nowadays is more and more people have to move away from their families,
friends
Correct word choice
and friends
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 in order to find work. It is undeniable that the economy is not good in all countries and 90% of these people who move away for work are from poor countries. Surely, there are both pros and cons to moving away, but I believe
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
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 outweigh the advantages. One of the main negatives of working in
strange
Correct article usage
a strange
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 city or country is that it can cause adverse
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
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 on young families.
For instance
Linking Words
, in my
country
Add a comma
country,
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 it is a big problem
due to
Linking Words
 our traditions. When we get married there
is
Verb problem
apply
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a huge expenses
on
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for
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wedding
Correct article usage
the wedding
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 no matter girl is
marrying
Wrong verb form
married
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 or
boy
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a boy
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. We do a big wedding with 300 invited guests and many gifts for relatives. After marriage wedding there are
following
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the following
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 as “тати шай”, “кудалык”, “бесик той”, “сундет той” etc. Of
course
Add a comma
course,
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 with our average
salary
Add a comma
salary,
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 neither newlyweds nor their parents can afford these events. So they get bank loans with extremely big overpayments. In order to pay these loans men have to move away from their families. It is a big pressure for their wives who will suspect
on
Change preposition
apply
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faithfulness and children who will need a dad`s love and care. Turning to the other side of the argument, for young people who have not tried finding a job in a different country to support their adventures and need some encouragement, I think it is a good chance to apply
a
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to a
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program called “Work and
travel
Capitalize word
Travel
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” It gives you a confidence, you make friends, allows you to engage with local communities, teaches you different skills, and the biggest positive side of
this
Linking Words
 program is it tests your comfort zone. A job in a place where the rules a different, the system is different and you get yourself a great challenge. As with almost everything you face that scares you or seems daunting, working abroad does have advantages. Having weighed everything mentioned up, we can come to
a
Correct article usage
the
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 conclusion that moving away from your family and friends can be an incredibly rewarding experience, but it is important to understand what you are signing up for beforehand.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the main aspects of the question, but it could benefit from a more detailed exploration of both the advantages and disadvantages of moving for work.
clear comprehensive ideas
Clarify your ideas and make sure each paragraph has a clear main point. For example, the second paragraph could be more specific about how moving away impacts young families financially and emotionally.
logical structure
Try to enhance your logical structure by ensuring that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Using transitional phrases can help.
introduction conclusion present
Work on your conclusion to ensure it effectively summarizes the main points discussed without introducing new ideas.
relevant specific examples
You provide relevant and specific examples to support your arguments, such as mentioning the financial pressures young families face in your country.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are both present, setting up the discussion and summarizing it effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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