IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The most important aim of science should be to improve people's lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#aim #science #people #lives
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is widely agreed that the aim of
science
 should
benefits
Change the verb form
benefit
show examples
people
due to
 the advantages of
science
. The advantages of
science
 are more likely to be considered
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
because it could improve many aspects
such
 as
improvement
Correct article usage
the improvement
show examples
 of medicines,
agricultures
Fix the agreement mistake
agriculture
show examples
 and renewable energy.
Moreover
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
science
 has driven the rapid
advancement
 of
technologies
 that ease
people
's lives.
Thus
, I wholeheartedly that the paramount of
science
 is to improve
individual's
Change noun form
individual
show examples
 lives. The rapid
advancement
 of
science
 produces many inventions that could help
people
 in many things,
for example
, in medicines. In
this
 era where there are many new diseases founded, the invention of the cure
is depend
Change the verb form
depends
show examples
 on the
advancement
 of
science
.
For example
, in 2022 when
Corona
Correct your spelling
coronavirus
show examples
spreaded
Correct your spelling
spread
show examples
 all
of
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the world and the number of infected
people
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
vaccines were
depend
Replace the word
dependent
show examples
 on
science
 to be created.
Due to
this
 fact, the purpose of
science
 should
benefits
Change the verb form
benefit
show examples
people
.
Furthermore
, the benefits of
science
 drive the innovations of
technologies
 that improve
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
 daily activities. Daily activities
such
 as communication, transportation, and education are supported by many
technologies
 based on
science
 inventions.
For instance
,
fast
Correct article usage
a fast
show examples
 train in Japan named
Shinkansen
Correct article usage
the Shinkansen
show examples
, is built above magnetic railroads based on
science
Replace the word
scientific
show examples
 law that has
invented
Add a missing verb
been invented
show examples
 and
this
innovations
Change the determiner
innovation
show examples
 has
implemented
Add a missing verb
been implemented
show examples
 in many countries for
people
 to
efficiency
Replace the word
efficiently
show examples
 commute. Obviously,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
science
 could enhance
people
's daily activities effectively.
To conclude
, the advantages of
science
 in many aspects
such
 as healthcare would be the most considered
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
because it
is undoubtedly helps
Change the verb form
undoubtedly helps
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
's lives.
Moreover
, the
advancement
 of
technologies
 that ease
people
's
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
are depend
Change the verb form
depends
show examples
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
science
.
Nevertheless
, it is a sure thing that the purpose of
science
 should enrich human
being's
Change noun form
beings
show examples
 daily.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task
Ensure that your essay has a more varied vocabulary to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using 'science,' consider synonyms or rephrased sentences.
coherence cohesion
Take care with verb tenses and subject-verb agreement. For example, 'the invention of the cure is depend' should be 'the invention of the cure depends.' Proofreading can help catch these errors.
task
While the essay has a clear structure, make sure each paragraph fully develops each point. For example, the second paragraph could have explored more on how scientific advancements have specifically improved medical treatments.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, both of which appropriately frame the argument.
task
Relevant, specific examples, such as the COVID-19 pandemic and Shinkansen train, are used to support the main points. This makes the argument more believable and relatable.
coherence cohesion
The overall logical flow of the essay is maintained, guiding the reader from one idea to the next smoothly.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial role
  • technological advancements
  • medical discoveries
  • life-changing inventions
  • innovations
  • solutions to human problems
  • enhancing quality of life
  • improvement of healthcare
  • transportation
  • communication
  • agriculture
  • energy sectors
  • eradication of diseases
  • prolongation of life expectancy
  • global challenges
  • climate change
  • overpopulation
  • food security
  • developed world
  • underprivileged communities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: