The percentage of overweight children in the western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effect of this disturbing trend.

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In the
last
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

decade,
an
Correct article usage
a

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arise
Correct your spelling
rise

The word arise doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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of overweight youngsters has obviously been seen in
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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western society and the proportion of these new generations has increased by a massive 20%. In
this
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essay, both causes and effects of
this
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issue will be outlined before reaching a conclusion.
To begin
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with, there are several reasons why the fraction of obese children is getting higher, and one of the most significant is junk
food
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. To explain in greater detail, the short duration of serving time in these restaurants suits children's lifestyles as they have tight learning schedules.
Furthermore
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, a lot of branches of fast
food
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

restaurants have sprung up all over cities and
therefore
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

youngsters can easily grab it
while
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

they commute from homes and schools.
For example
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, when I was a child, McDonald's was located on the opposite side of my primary school.
Hence
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, when I was late and my class was about to start, I would choose to buy and eat hamburgers from
this
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

fast
food
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

shop before entering the school.
On the other hand
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, there is a clear drawback to
this
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issue and it is health issues. To elaborate
further
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, eating a vast amount of junk
food
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

leads to numerous diseases
such
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as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, etc.
Moreover
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, their physical strength
are
Change the verb form
is

The plural verb are does not appear to agree with the singular subject their physical strength. Consider changing the verb form for subject-verb agreement.

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weakened because when adolescents gain more weight, they lack stamina and it badly affects their joints and ankles.
For example
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, when I was in middle school, my close friend was obsessed with fried
chickens
Fix the agreement mistake
chicken

It seems that chickens may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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and hamburgers from McDonald and his weight rose to more than 100 kilograms
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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in turn his doctor said that he got both obese and high blood pressure.
Besides
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, he
highly
Add a missing verb
is highly

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risked
to
Change preposition
apply

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heart disease if he did not control his diet.
Overall
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it is undeniable that the younger generations in recent years have been overweight
due to
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

plenty of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

shops, namely, McDonald's, KFC, Texas Chicken and so on.
As a result
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, eating an enormous amount of junk
food
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

leads to bad health issues which will make their health worsen.
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Grammar
Try to reduce minor errors such as "an arise" which should be "a rise" and "McDonald" which should be "McDonald's.”
Task Response
Further elaborate on additional causes of child obesity beyond fast food to provide a more comprehensive response. Consider mentioning lack of physical activity and advertising influence.
Task Response
Examples provided are relevant and help illustrate your points, such as the personal anecdotes about McDonald's and your friend's experience.
Coherence and Cohesion
Essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which effectively frame the discussion on the causes and effects of overweight children.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure is logical, with both causes and effects discussed in separate paragraphs, making it easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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