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The percentage of overweight children in the western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effect of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #effect #trend
In the
last
 decade,
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
arise
Correct your spelling
rise
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 of overweight youngsters has obviously been seen in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
western society and the proportion of these new generations has increased by a massive 20%. In
this
 essay, both causes and effects of
this
 issue will be outlined before reaching a conclusion.
To begin
 with, there are several reasons why the fraction of obese children is getting higher, and one of the most significant is junk
food
. To explain in greater detail, the short duration of serving time in these restaurants suits children's lifestyles as they have tight learning schedules.
Furthermore
, a lot of branches of fast
food
 restaurants have sprung up all over cities and
therefore
 youngsters can easily grab it
while
 they commute from homes and schools.
For example
, when I was a child, McDonald's was located on the opposite side of my primary school.
Hence
, when I was late and my class was about to start, I would choose to buy and eat hamburgers from
this
 fast
food
 shop before entering the school.
On the other hand
, there is a clear drawback to
this
 issue and it is health issues. To elaborate
further
, eating a vast amount of junk
food
 leads to numerous diseases
such
 as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, etc.
Moreover
, their physical strength
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 weakened because when adolescents gain more weight, they lack stamina and it badly affects their joints and ankles.
For example
, when I was in middle school, my close friend was obsessed with fried
chickens
Fix the agreement mistake
chicken
show examples
 and hamburgers from McDonald and his weight rose to more than 100 kilograms
which
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apply
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in turn his doctor said that he got both obese and high blood pressure.
Besides
, he
highly
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is highly
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 risked
to
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apply
show examples
heart disease if he did not control his diet.
Overall
, it is undeniable that the younger generations in recent years have been overweight
due to
 plenty of unhealthy
food
 shops, namely, McDonald's, KFC, Texas Chicken and so on.
As a result
, eating an enormous amount of junk
food
 leads to bad health issues which will make their health worsen.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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Grammar
Try to reduce minor errors such as "an arise" which should be "a rise" and "McDonald" which should be "McDonald's.”
Task Response
Further elaborate on additional causes of child obesity beyond fast food to provide a more comprehensive response. Consider mentioning lack of physical activity and advertising influence.
Task Response
Examples provided are relevant and help illustrate your points, such as the personal anecdotes about McDonald's and your friend's experience.
Coherence and Cohesion
Essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which effectively frame the discussion on the causes and effects of overweight children.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure is logical, with both causes and effects discussed in separate paragraphs, making it easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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