IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people assert that there should be an absolute ban on the consumption of alcohol and tobacco while others oppose it. Discuss both the views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #ban #consumption #alcohol #tobacco
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A section of the society
Advocate
Change the verb form
Advocates
show examples
 that the government should impose a complete ban on the consumption of
alcohol
Use synonyms
 and
tobacco
Use synonyms
, considering
public's
Correct article usage
the public's
show examples
 health.
Whereas
Linking Words
, some individuals are against it. Both sides will be discussed in
this
Linking Words
 essay, including my opinion.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, numerous people think that both
alcohol
Use synonyms
 and
tobacco
Use synonyms
 have significant negative effects on
human
Add an article
the human
show examples
 body, leading to certain ailments
such
Linking Words
 as brain strokes and cancer.
Alcohol
Use synonyms
 consumption directly
Target
Correct subject-verb agreement
Targets
show examples
brains
Fix the agreement mistake
brain
show examples
 neural cells, which are essential for
identify
Change the form of the verb
identifying
show examples
 objects seen by human eyes,
can
Correct word choice
and can
show examples
 be damaged
due to
Linking Words
 overconsumption.
Likewise
Linking Words
, consuming
tobacco
Use synonyms
 products like cigarettes
activate
Correct subject-verb agreement
activates
show examples
 cancer cells in
human
Add an article
the human
show examples
 body. To site
and
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 example, around 50000 deaths are being recorded and only by the World Health Organization, caused by
tobacco
Use synonyms
 and
alcohol
Use synonyms
In contrast
Linking Words
, the sales of
alcohol
Use synonyms
 and
tobacco
Use synonyms
 have put great economic impact, including jobs and revenue generated by these drug Industries. A complete ban on the same good
jeopardize
Correct subject-verb agreement
jeopardizes
show examples
countries
Replace the word
the country's
show examples
 GDP, and leads to unemployment.
Apart from
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, the global Constitution gives equal
right
Fix the agreement mistake
rights
show examples
 to make
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
 choices, as long as people do not harm others.
In other words
Linking Words
,
alcohol
Use synonyms
 and
tobacco
Use synonyms
deeply
Add a missing verb
are deeply
show examples
 indulged in certain
culture
Fix the agreement mistake
cultures
show examples
, and
impose
Wrong verb form
imposing
show examples
 an absolute band might be impossible for the authorities.
For example
Linking Words
, in 2021, Italy became the first country,
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
banned
Wrong verb form
ban
show examples
 the sale of cigarettes, as
Correct article usage
a results
show examples
results
Fix the agreement mistake
result
show examples
instead
Linking Words
 of improvement it increased the black market of cigarettes. To me, after considering public Liberty, imposing a complete ban on
alcohol
Use synonyms
 and
tobacco
Use synonyms
 might not be a prudent approach as the sales of hard drugs are highly important for a nation's economic Improvement .
Submitted by rajwants.1997 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
You provide relevant points for both viewpoints and your opinion, but ensure that your examples and explanations fully support the points you raise. For instance, you could expand on the example of Italy to add more depth.
Task Achievement
Try to work on clarity and accuracy in your language to make your argument stronger. For example, some parts of your essay contain grammatical errors and awkward phrases that can confuse readers.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your essay is well-structured, with clear transitions between each point. Your conclusion can also be made stronger by summarizing the key points you've discussed in the body of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Refine your introduction to be more engaging, and clearly outline the two viewpoints that you will discuss. Also, ensure that your conclusion succinctly reiterates your main points and the stance you have taken.
Task Achievement
You've done a good job of introducing both sides of the argument and clearly stating your own opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay structure includes an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion, which is good practice.
Task Achievement
You use relevant examples, like mentioning the World Health Organization and Italy's attempt to ban cigarettes. This adds weight to your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Public health
  • Adverse effects
  • Cardiovascular illnesses
  • Revenue generation
  • Economic impact
  • Personal liberty
  • Effectiveness
  • Prohibition
  • Regulated control
  • Addiction
  • Support systems
  • Rehabilitation
  • Cultural practices
  • Social resistance
  • Enforcement challenges
What to do next:
Look at other essays: