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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

THE GRAPHS BELOW SHOW THE PERCENTAGE OF MEN AND WOMAN AGED 60-64 WHO WERE EMPLOYED IN FOUR COUNTRIES IN 1970 AND 2000.

THE GRAPHS BELOW SHOW THE PERCENTAGE OF MEN AND WOMAN AGED 60-64 WHO WERE EMPLOYED IN FOUR COUNTRIES IN 1970 AND 2000.
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CONTAINED IN THE BAR CHART IS DATA THAT THE MEN AND
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WOMAN
Fix the agreement mistake
WOMEN
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 AGED 60-64 WHO WERE EMPLOYED IN 4 COUNTRIES BETWEEN 1970 AND 2000. THE DATA WERE RECORDED IN PERCENT (%).
OVERALL
Linking Words
, IT CAN BE SEEN THAT THE HIGHEST
FIGURE
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 IN 2000 IS
JAPAN
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 AND THE LOWEST
FIGURE
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 IN 1970 IS
BELGIUM
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 IN THE
WOMAN
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'S PERIOD THE
JAPAN
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 IS THE HIGHEST
FIGURE
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 IN 2000 AND THE
BELGIUM
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 THE LOWEST
FIGURE
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 IN 1970 SIMILAR THE
WOMAN
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. LOOKING AT THE DATA MORE CLOSELY, IT CAN BE OBSERVED THAT IN 2000,
BELGIUM
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 STARTED AT 8% AND ROSE UP TO THE HIGHEST AT 43% IN
JAPAN
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. SUDDENTLY DECREASED IN AUSTRALIA WITH 16%.
BESIDES
Linking Words
 THAT IN 1970, THE LOWEST
FIGURE
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 STARTED AT 7% AND INCREASED THE SAME AS IN 2000 UNTIL
JAPAN
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 AT 40%., FELL DOWN TO 18% IN AUSTRALIA IN THE
WOMAN
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 CHART. TURNING TO THE REMAINING FIGURES,
IT IS CLEAR THAT
Linking Words
 IN
MEN'S
Correct article usage
THE MEN'S
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 CHART
BELGIUM
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 STARTED AT 79% DRAMATICALLY INCREASING TO THE HIGHEST IN
JAPAN
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 AT ABOUT 86% IN 2000.
FINALLY
Linking Words
,
BELGIUM
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 HAVE A DIFFERENT THAN EACH
FIGURE
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 WHICH WAS DECREASED.
BELGIUM
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 STARTED AT 19 % AND WENT UP TO 74% IN
JAPAN
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 IN 1970 AND DECREASED TO 47% IN AUSTRALIA.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words woman, figure, japan, belgium with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 7 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 3 times.
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