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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000.

The graph below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000.
#show #percentage #men #women #four #countries
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The bar charts demonstrate the proportion of
women
Use synonyms
 and
men
Use synonyms
 aged 60-64 in
employment
Use synonyms
 in four nations between 1970 and 2000. The figures are shown in percentages.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly seen that the highest figure
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 aged 60-64 in
employment
Use synonyms
 was
Use synonyms
Japan
Change preposition
in Japan
show examples
during
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2000
while
Linking Words
 the lowest
data
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 aged 60-64 in
employment
Use synonyms
 was
Use synonyms
Belgium
Change preposition
in Belgium
show examples
 in 1970.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the highest percentage of
men
Use synonyms
 was
Use synonyms
Japan
Change preposition
in Japan
show examples
during
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2000, followed by
Belgium
Use synonyms
, Australia and
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 at the time.
To begin
Linking Words
, the proportion of
women
Use synonyms
 aged 60-64 who were employed in
Japan
Use synonyms
 during 2000 at 43% became the highest
data
Use synonyms
 of
women
Use synonyms
 aged 60-64 in
employment
Use synonyms
.
Similarly
Linking Words
, the
data
Use synonyms
 of
women
Use synonyms
 aged 60-64 in
employment
Use synonyms
 is
USA
Use synonyms
 at 38% in 1970
while
Linking Words
USA
Use synonyms
 had the figure of
women
Use synonyms
 60-64 at 36% during 2000. Australia had
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
similar figures, representing 16% and 18% of
women
Use synonyms
 aged 60-64 in
employment
Use synonyms
 from 1970 to 2000, respectively. Moving onto
Japan
Use synonyms
, the
data
Use synonyms
 of
men
Use synonyms
 aged 60-64 at 86%
become
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
 the highest percentage of
men
Use synonyms
 aged 60-64 in
employment
Use synonyms
 during 2000.
Belgium
Use synonyms
,
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
,
Australia
Correct word choice
and Australia
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
similar figures, representing 79%, 73% and 76% of
men
Use synonyms
 who were employed during 2000, respectively.
Belgium
Use synonyms
 had the lowest figure
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 aged 60-64 in
employment
Use synonyms
 at 19% in 1970.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, men, employment, japan, data, belgium, usa with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 6 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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