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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The graph below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000.

The graph below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000.
#show #percentage #men #women #four #countries
The bar charts demonstrate the proportion of
women
 and
men
 aged 60-64 in
employment
 in four nations between 1970 and 2000. The figures are shown in percentages.
Overall
, it can be clearly seen that the highest figure
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
women
 aged 60-64 in
employment
 was
Japan
Change preposition
in Japan
show examples
during
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2000
while
 the lowest
data
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
women
 aged 60-64 in
employment
 was
Belgium
Change preposition
in Belgium
show examples
 in 1970.
Additionally
, the highest percentage of
men
 was
Japan
Change preposition
in Japan
show examples
during
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2000, followed by
Belgium
, Australia and
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 at the time.
To begin
, the proportion of
women
 aged 60-64 who were employed in
Japan
 during 2000 at 43% became the highest
data
 of
women
 aged 60-64 in
employment
.
Similarly
, the
data
 of
women
 aged 60-64 in
employment
 is
USA
 at 38% in 1970
while
USA
 had the figure of
women
 60-64 at 36% during 2000. Australia had
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
similar figures, representing 16% and 18% of
women
 aged 60-64 in
employment
 from 1970 to 2000, respectively. Moving onto
Japan
, the
data
 of
men
 aged 60-64 at 86%
become
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
 the highest percentage of
men
 aged 60-64 in
employment
 during 2000.
Belgium
,
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
,
Australia
Correct word choice
and Australia
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
similar figures, representing 79%, 73% and 76% of
men
 who were employed during 2000, respectively.
Belgium
 had the lowest figure
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
men
 aged 60-64 in
employment
 at 19% in 1970.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words women, men, employment, japan, data, belgium, usa with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 6 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼

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