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Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

man and women studied part time and full time in britain in years 1970 to 1991

#man #women #part #time #britain #years
The bar chart illustrates the number of male and female
students
did
Correct pronoun usage
who did
show examples
further
 studies in
thousands
part-time
Change preposition
of part-time
show examples
 and full-time in Britain from 1970 to 1991.
Overall
, over the two decades, the majority of both genders studied part-time as compared to full-time. It can be seen, over the period of time the trend of part-time male
students
 increased,
however
, female pupils had fluctuations,
in addition
, full-time females showed more interest as compared to males. It is conspicuous that girls
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
studied part-time 1000
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 in
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
 1970-71,
whereas
 full-time did not show more interest
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
only 100
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 in the same year,
further
, male
students
 part-time were 700
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 and full-time were only 50
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 in the same year. During 1980/81 the
part-time
Correct quantifier usage
number of part-time
show examples
 women
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
declined
about
Change preposition
by about
show examples
 100
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 but full-time showed
Correct article usage
a slightly
show examples
slightly
Change the adverb
slight
show examples
 growth
about
Change preposition
of about
show examples
 150
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
. Probing ahead, for ladies part-time trainees rose to 900
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 and 200
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 full-time with a marginal upturned,
furthermore
Add a comma
furthermore,
show examples
 in
case
Correct article usage
the case
show examples
 of gents, they showed more interest in
part-time
Add an article
the part-time
show examples
 study nearly 1100
thousands
Change to singular
thousand
show examples
 and full-time same as girls
students
.
Submitted by rbtech65 on

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task achievement
You have addressed the task, discussing both part-time and full-time studies of males and females over the given period. However, you could provide a clearer analysis of the trends and make sure to cover all significant aspects of the data.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a general structure with an introduction and body paragraphs, it lacks a clear conclusion. Make sure to include a concluding paragraph that summarizes your findings.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear central idea and that your points are logically connected. Using linking phrases and connectors would enhance the cohesive flow of your essay.
language use
Try to avoid repetition and redundant phrases. Focus on clarity and precision in your language. Proofreading for grammatical errors and awkward phrasings can also help improve readability.
language use
Use more variety in your sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate a higher level of fluency and command of the language.
content
Your essay provides an overview of the trends over the given period and identifies key points such as the increase in male part-time students and the greater interest of females in full-time studies.
task engagement
There is an attempt to present data and compare figures between males and females, which shows your effort to engage with the provided information.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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