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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today in many countries in order to find work people have to move away from their friends and family. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #work #people #move #friends
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Recently, in many nations, individuals had to move away from their relatives and family in order to find jobs. In
this
 essay, I will explain why the benefits of leave to earn occupation overshadow the potential drawbacks. On the one hand, living far from home could offer a few challenges.
Firstly
, those situations force
people
 to think and manage their troubles independently.
Although
 there are many applications nowadays which can used by them to communicate with their close friends or parents, they cannot always share their troubles all the time as their parents or colleagues have their own lives too.
Consequently
, it can be a bigger trouble in the future when
people
 cannot cope with the concern alone.
Secondly
,
humans
 need to adapt quickly to their new place. They might meet so many folks who have different perspectives.
Humans
 must create a big layer of understanding from those aspects as it can bring harmony to relationships with their new friends.
On the other hand
, despite the challenges, I would argue that life outside of their home can pose more benefits. Primarily,
although
people
 are forced to think alone when in trouble, it can make them better
people
. Troubles will come and go. If
people
 can solve their issues in their own way, it can enhance their ability to
problem-solving
Correct your spelling
problem-solve
show examples
.
Thus
, can be a plus aspect of their work assessment when they find an occupation.
In addition
,
humans
 will get freedom when they live alone. As we know, since individuals are babies, their parents will always make a law for them to describe what they can and cannot do.
Therefore
,
people
 can do anything that they want
such
 as they can playing video games all day without anyone complaining, they can choose what job they want to apply for, etc.
Finally
, living far from residence can make them to be an independent human. In conclusion,
while
 living far from home can force
people
 to think independently and to adapt quickly, they will have some benefits
such
 as becoming a better person, doing anything that they want, and becoming independent
humans
.
Therefore
, on balance, I remain firmly convinced that demerits are eclipsed by the merits.
Submitted by alfathemaster on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or case studies to illustrate your points. This will make your argument more robust and compelling.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure and flow between sentences and paragraphs. Make sure your points naturally lead into each other.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition and try to vary your vocabulary and sentence structures. It will make your essay more engaging and readable.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which frame your essay well.
task achievement
You address both advantages and disadvantages, providing a balanced perspective on the topic.
task achievement
You make a strong argument that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks, and you support this argument with multiple points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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