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Band 5.5

Tourism is one of thw fastest growing industries and contributes a great deal to economies around the world. However, the damage tourism can cause to local cultures and the environment is often ignored. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is widely believed that the most considerable growing industry is
tourism
 making a contribution to the global economy
while
 some individuals argue that it is adversely impacting on culture and environment of the local areas which are often ignored.
Although
people
concerned
Add a missing verb
are concerned
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 about about the raised issues, I still hold the view that developing
tourism
 brings more benefits towards economic growth, mostly solving the aforementioned problems through
this
 development. On the one hand, there is a wave of protests arguing that
touristry
Correct your spelling
tourism
show examples
 can have negative impacts on some typical aspects like losing local cultures.
This
 is because the indigenous
people
 have to adapt to new developments in their hometowns, which may force them to lose their traditions for serving the tourists.
For example
, those local residents have to diminish the old
communicating
Replace the word
communication
show examples
 ways, using their mother language to speak with visitors, which may enhance their economy,
however
, with a vast amount of
people
 doing so, including children, the
people
 there may lose their own language for
such
 long periods.
Nevertheless
,
this
 can be solved by improving the education system, and keeping the mother language by opening classes to younger generations.
On the other hand
,
people
are nowadays forget
Change the verb form
are nowadays forgetting
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 the environmental values. Specifically,
tourism
 has led humans to a thirst for wealth, which means local
people
 have a tendency to damage the ecosystems for
tourism
 growth, which can benefit them a lot.
As a result
, there may be several habitat loss, causing the lack of species,
resulting
Correct word choice
and resulting
show examples
 in
unbalance
Correct article usage
an unbalance
show examples
 between humans and nature.
Although
this
 is true to a certain extent,
such
 great economic growth can contribute to
this
 by combining
preventing
Replace the word
prevention
show examples
methods like forbidding hunting or building up or extending the remaining habitat.
This
 leads to a new balance, which is more beneficial to both the commercial market
as well as
 environmental protection. In conclusion,
tourism
 may cause several issues to the local culture or environmental problems, but taking appropriate actions can deal with these problems, boosting the general economy.
Additionally
,
such
 sustainable
tourism
 is an ideal solution for development.
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task response
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and your viewpoint, which is excellent. However, there are some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that could be improved for clarity. For example, 'making a contribution to the global economy' could be rephrased to 'contributing significantly to the global economy.'
coherence cohesion
While your essay maintains a logical structure, some transitions between ideas can be smoother. For instance, use more linking words like 'however,' 'moreover,' or 'in addition' to connect sentences and paragraphs better.
task response
Support your points with more specific examples to strengthen your argument. For instance, you mentioned education as a way to preserve culture but providing specific methods or case studies would make this argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
You have successfully included an introduction and a conclusion, which frame your essay nicely.
task response
Your ideas are clear and comprehensive, and you have provided a well-rounded response to the question.
task response
Your discussion on both the negative impacts of tourism and the possible solutions shows a balanced perspective.
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