IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

If you could make two changes in the educational system of your country, what aspects would you change? Support your ideas with reasons and examples and discuss how the changes you suggest would improve the system.

#two #changes #system #country #aspects #change #support
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Nowadays, the update in
Use synonyms
education
Add an article
the education
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 system is
along with
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 the advancement of science. There
has
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have
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 been some changes in terms of
education
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, especially in Indonesia.
However
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, there are two
things
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 that could be done to improve the
education
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 quality. Here
is
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are
show examples
 my explanations.
First,
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the
education
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 systems in Indonesia, especially for adolescents which
is included
Wrong verb form
include
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 elementary level, junior high level, and senior high level, emphasize
in
Change preposition
apply
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theories delivery and only
small
Correct article usage
a small
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 portion
in
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of
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 practical activities. In my opinion, practical
things
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 are important in
education
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, because the purposes of learning
beside
Correct your spelling
besides
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 to improve the thinking skills are to get a good job and to get a good salary.
Moreover
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, to achieve those
things
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, the practical
things
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also
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 have a role.
For instance
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, you know about the formula of Newton's Law I but without implementing it, you don't know its usage.
In addition
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, some practical activities
also
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 have benefits increasing
the
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apply
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creativity and
also
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 increasing
the
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apply
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IQ.
Second,
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the
education
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 system right now, sees
the
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apply
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scientific
sebjects
Correct your spelling
subjects
, like math, physics,
chemical
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chemistry
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, and biology are
the
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apply
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important
subjects
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. These
subjects
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 are
also
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 used to measure the
students'
Correct your spelling
student's
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 academic performance. I think
this
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 isn't fair because every students have their own abilities. Some students are good at art,
while
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 maybe the other are good at sciences.
So
Rephrase
Thus
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that
Correct determiner usage
apply
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, the
education
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 systems should provide an important space for
the
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apply
show examples
non-scientific
subjects
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 too. In conclusion, I think
beside
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besides
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to increase
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increasing
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 the
intelectual
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intellect
, the
education
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 systems should
also
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 give provision in terms of practical skills to help them get a good job in the future, and
also
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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things
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 can
inderectly
Correct your spelling
indirectly
 lead to
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
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 the IQ.
Also
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, the
education
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 system
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 should give a fair marking for those who don't have talent in science
subjects
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 but have talent in
the
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apply
show examples
art or non-science
subjects
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.
Submitted by rlsatria on

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task achievement
Consider introducing a stronger thesis statement in your introduction to clearly outline the main points you will discuss in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Try to use varied and advanced vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely and to increase the overall fluency of your writing.
coherence cohesion
Review grammar and syntax to improve the readability of your essay; there were a few instances where sentence structures could be refined for better clarity.
task achievement
You did a good job of addressing both parts of the task by suggesting two specific changes to the educational system.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant and serve to illustrate your points well, adding depth to the discussion.
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