If you could make two changes in the educational system of your country, what aspects would you change? Support your ideas with reasons and examples and discuss how the changes you suggest would improve the system.
Nowadays, the update in
education
system is Add an article
the education
along with
the advancement of science. There has
been some changes in terms of Change the verb form
have
education
, especially in Indonesia. However
, there are two things
that could be done to improve the education
quality. Here is
my explanations.
Change the verb form
are
First,
the education
systems in Indonesia, especially for adolescents which is included
elementary level, junior high level, and senior high level, emphasize Wrong verb form
include
in
theories delivery and only Change preposition
apply
small
portion Correct article usage
a small
in
practical activities. In my opinion, practical Change preposition
of
things
are important in education
, because the purposes of learning beside
to improve the thinking skills are to get a good job and to get a good salary. Correct your spelling
besides
Moreover
, to achieve those things
, the practical things
also
have a role. For instance
, you know about the formula of Newton's Law I but without implementing it, you don't know its usage. In addition
, some practical activities also
have benefits increasing the
creativity and Correct article usage
apply
also
increasing the
IQ.
Correct article usage
apply
Second,
the education
system right now, sees the
scientific Correct article usage
apply
sebjects
, like math, physics, Correct your spelling
subjects
chemical
, and biology are Replace the word
chemistry
the
important Correct article usage
apply
subjects
. These subjects
are also
used to measure the students'
academic performance. I think Correct your spelling
student's
this
isn't fair because every students have their own abilities. Some students are good at art, while
maybe the other are good at sciences. So
Rephrase
Thus
that
, the Correct determiner usage
apply
education
systems should provide an important space for the
non-scientific Correct article usage
apply
subjects
too.
In conclusion, I think beside
Change preposition
besides
to increase
the Change the verb form
increasing
intelectual
, the Correct your spelling
intellect
education
systems should also
give provision in terms of practical skills to help them get a good job in the future, and also
this
Correct determiner usage
these
things
can inderectly
lead to Correct your spelling
indirectly
increase
the IQ. Correct article usage
an increase
Also
, the education
system,
should give a fair marking for those who don't have talent in science Remove the comma
apply
subjects
but have talent in the
art or non-science Correct article usage
apply
subjects
.Submitted by rlsatria on
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task achievement
Consider introducing a stronger thesis statement in your introduction to clearly outline the main points you will discuss in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Try to use varied and advanced vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely and to increase the overall fluency of your writing.
coherence cohesion
Review grammar and syntax to improve the readability of your essay; there were a few instances where sentence structures could be refined for better clarity.
task achievement
You did a good job of addressing both parts of the task by suggesting two specific changes to the educational system.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant and serve to illustrate your points well, adding depth to the discussion.