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Band 5

A person’s worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#person’s #status #possessions #values #honour #kindness #trust
When it comes to the new era, it is emphasised that background is better to show
people
 value than other factors which relate to good personalities. The writer strongly approves of
this
 notion
due to
 the upper class has a large influence in many aspects
as well
as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 society no longer respects traditional values. The larger effect on social problems of the rich is one of the crucial reasons that the old-fashioned values
areunappreciated
Correct your spelling
are unappreciated
unappreciated
.
That is
 to say, as soon as reaching the current world, the power of money is enlarged which has changed the way
people
 deal with issues,
therefore
, the rich are able to do whatever they want whether it is illegal or not.
Furthermore
, all of their unethical behaviours can be turned blind eyes by the authorities if
people
 bring enough money.
Thus
, it is no matter who
people
 are, if they have a strong background, they will be respected by others. In the hustle and bustle world, life is more competitive so
people
 no longer respect good manners. Put
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
simply, when it comes to new generations, they would like to express themself even if their situations
arenot
Correct your spelling
are not
aren't
 allowed because they are able to receive respect from the majority of youngsters.
Additionally
, the more unaware of the valuable qualities, the faster the traditional values disappear.
As a result
, good manners
area
Correct your spelling
are a
show examples
 sustainable quality of
people
. In conclusion, the author totally agrees that the modern world mainly
judge
Change the verb form
judges
show examples
people
 by their background
due to
 the large-scale effect of money
as well as
 invaluable of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old-fashion
Correct your spelling
old-fashioned
show examples
 qualities.
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task response
You have a well-balanced essay with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, try to use more specific examples to better support your points. For example, mention a notable person or an event where wealth influenced outcomes.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your ideas are presented in a more logically structured manner. Some points appear slightly disconnected from each other. Use clear transitions to show how one idea leads to another.
coherence and cohesion
Watch out for grammatical errors and typos. E.g., 'areunappreciated' should be 'are unappreciated', 'situations arenot allowed' should be 'situations are not allowed'. Paying attention to these small details can improve your overall clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your position on the topic, which is excellent for setting the stage for the rest of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your stance, which leaves a strong impression on the reader.
task response
You have addressed the task fully by examining both the influence of wealth and the declining importance of traditional values.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Social status
  • Material possessions
  • Old-fashioned values
  • Honour
  • Kindness
  • Trust
  • Judged
  • Importance
  • Traditional
  • Reflection
  • Achievements
  • Hard work
  • Disregarded
  • Well-balanced
  • Meaningful
  • Cultural norms
  • Societal norms
What to do next:
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