IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Writing Task 1 The bar chart shows the percentage of males and females aged 18-20 in a city who participated in a various activities in a month in 2015

Writing Task 1 The bar chart shows the percentage of males and females aged 18-20 in a city who participated in a various activities in a month in 2015
#bar #percentage #males #females #city #activities #month
The bar chart indicates the proportion of
men
 and
women
 between 18 and 20 in
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 urban who participated in diverse activities in a month in 2015 A glance at the bar chart provided reveals that, the most famous sport was
Football
 for
males
.
Similarly
, Cycling
,
Correct your spelling
and basketball
Basketball
promoted
Add a missing verb
were promoted
show examples
. But Swimming and Hockey diminished considerably. Cycling was by far the best sport for
women
.
Basketball
 and
Football
 charmed over 50% of
men
. Especially
Football
 was by far the best exercise for
males
. But at that time, females were not interested in
Football
 and
Basketball
 in 2015.
Basketball
 charmed about 30
percentage
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
 of
men
. The difference between the percentage in
Basketball
 was less pronounced 10% of
women
 played
Basketball
 in
this
 month higher than the figure for
males
 by approximately 18%. After that. Over 10% of females were interested in
Football
. As for Cycling and Swimming are concerned. 40% of females for Cycling and over 30% of
women
 for Swimming,
this
 exercise
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
engrossed
women
. They were superior to
men
 in
this
 essay. Hockey was diminished dramatically. Approximately 5% of
women
 participated in Hockey. It
composed
Add a missing verb
is composed
show examples
over
Change preposition
of over
show examples
 10%of
males
.
Submitted by Shaxnoza on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, football, males, basketball with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: