Some people think that Olympic games are exciting events that bring other nations together. Others say Olympics is a waste of maney and the money could be better spent on other things. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
It is argued that many people believe that it costs a huge amount of
money
to
the Change preposition
for
Olympic
games
that bring other countries
together. Others say money
should be spent on agency problems. The writer of this
essay strongly agrees with the statement and lays out the reasoning below.
To begin
with, Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
games
is
one of the most effective ways to Correct subject-verb agreement
are
connected
to Change the form of the verb
connect
the
other Correct article usage
apply
countries
. It has a positive impact on political
systems of many Correct article usage
the political
countries
. Moreover
, it is an influential event with a well-known reputation which so many nations take part in. For instance
, when Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
games
is
opened, Change the verb form
are
this
is an event that brings people to closer or
many Correct word choice
apply
countries
.
Another factor to consider is spending more money
on Olympic
games
is wasteful since it produces no instant benefits for individuals. It has a negative effect on human’s
development. Change noun form
human
Consequently
, it should be spent on other things such
as public services as
health services and transportation. It is a demand necessary for Correct quantifier usage
such as
human
. Fix the agreement mistake
humans
For example
, investing money
on
pressing problems can help Change preposition
in
nation
to modernize Fix the agreement mistake
nations
such
as developing countries
.
It is the opinion of this
writer that, in addition
, Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
games
is
an important event to bridge many Correct subject-verb agreement
are
countries
to develop activities of physical or political issues. It has a positive effect on building strong relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
of
Change preposition
with
the
other Correct article usage
apply
countries
.
Taking everything into consideration, Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
games
is
one step forward to connect Correct subject-verb agreement
are
countries
. It is a great chance to meet people of
Change preposition
from
another
Replace the adjective
another country
other countries
countries
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task achievement
To score higher, consider providing more detailed and specific examples to support your points. For instance, you could mention specific instances where the Olympics have fostered international relations or highlight how funds could be better allocated to public services with data or case studies.
coherence cohesion
There were minor grammatical errors and some awkward phrasing that affected clarity. Work on polishing your grammar and phrasing to convey your ideas more effectively. For instance, 'investing money on pressing problems can help nation to modernize such as developing countries' can be rephrased as 'investing money in pressing issues, especially in developing countries, can help in modernization.'
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in guiding the reader through your argument.
task achievement
The points discussed provide a balanced view of both perspectives concerning the Olympic Games.
task achievement
Your argument about the benefits of the Olympics fostering international relationships and the counterpoint about financial waste are relevant and well-presented.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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