IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that Olympic games are exciting events that bring other nations together. Others say Olympics is a waste of maney and the money could be better spent on other things. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is argued that many people believe that it costs a huge amount of
money
Use synonyms
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
Olympic
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 that bring other
countries
Use synonyms
 together. Others say
money
Use synonyms
 should be spent on agency problems. The writer of
this
Linking Words
 essay strongly agrees with the statement and lays out the reasoning below.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
Use synonyms
Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
show examples
games
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 one of the most effective ways to
connected
Change the form of the verb
connect
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
countries
Use synonyms
. It has a positive impact on
political
Correct article usage
the political
show examples
 systems of many
countries
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is an influential event with a well-known reputation which so many nations take part in.
For instance
Linking Words
, when
Use synonyms
Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
show examples
games
Use synonyms
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 opened,
this
Linking Words
 is an event that brings people to closer
or
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
many
countries
Use synonyms
. Another factor to consider is spending more
money
Use synonyms
 on
Olympic
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 is wasteful since it produces no instant benefits for individuals. It has a negative effect on
human’s
Change noun form
human
show examples
 development.
Consequently
Linking Words
, it should be spent on other things
such
Linking Words
 as public services
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
 health services and transportation. It is a demand necessary for
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, investing
money
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 pressing problems can help
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
show examples
 to modernize
such
Linking Words
 as developing
countries
Use synonyms
. It is the opinion of
this
Linking Words
 writer that,
in addition
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
show examples
games
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 an important event to bridge many
countries
Use synonyms
 to develop activities of physical or political issues. It has a positive effect on building strong
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
countries
Use synonyms
. Taking everything into consideration,
Use synonyms
Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
show examples
games
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 one step forward to connect
countries
Use synonyms
. It is a great chance to meet people
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
another
Replace the adjective
another country
other countries
show examples
countries
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To score higher, consider providing more detailed and specific examples to support your points. For instance, you could mention specific instances where the Olympics have fostered international relations or highlight how funds could be better allocated to public services with data or case studies.
coherence cohesion
There were minor grammatical errors and some awkward phrasing that affected clarity. Work on polishing your grammar and phrasing to convey your ideas more effectively. For instance, 'investing money on pressing problems can help nation to modernize such as developing countries' can be rephrased as 'investing money in pressing issues, especially in developing countries, can help in modernization.'
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in guiding the reader through your argument.
task achievement
The points discussed provide a balanced view of both perspectives concerning the Olympic Games.
task achievement
Your argument about the benefits of the Olympics fostering international relationships and the counterpoint about financial waste are relevant and well-presented.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: