IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

You need to borrow some money to pay for something you need for your work or studies. Write a letter to your bank to ask for a loan. In your letter introduce yourself and ask for a loan say why you need the money explain how you plan to pay the money back

#money #work #studies #bank #loan #plan
Dear manager, I would like to write a letter to you to lend cost
my
Add the comma(s)
, my
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 scholar, I hope
a
Correct your spelling
this
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 letter
find
Correct subject-verb agreement
finds
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 you good healthy and I need your hand to
approved
Wrong verb form
approve
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 what I mean. Recently I got
warning
Correct article usage
a warning
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 from my
collage
Correct your spelling
college
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 because I can not
to
Change the verb form
apply
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pay my obligation to my
educated
Replace the word
education
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 and I absolutely need a lot of money to settle
Correct pronoun usage
my arreas
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arreas
Correct your spelling
arrears
areas
. My name is Ansory from Nusa Tenggara Barat, my college at
University
Correct article usage
the University
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Mataram
Change preposition
of Mataram
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. I have
problem
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a problem
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at
Change preposition
with
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 my education. I can't
to
Change the verb form
apply
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continue study because I have
problem
Add an article
a problem
show examples
at
Change preposition
with
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financial
Replace the word
finances
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 and my campus has
anounce
Correct your spelling
announce
announced
 me to
payfull
Correct your spelling
pay full
 all
arreas
Correct your spelling
areas
. I hope your company can give me
loan
Add an article
a loan
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 to surmount my problem, I get
infomation
Correct your spelling
information
 at
social
Correct article usage
a social
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 media bank
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
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 help
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
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 people who
has
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have
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 trouble
financial
Change the word
financially
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. I will deposit Rp.300.000 per month . thank you so much I hope will be
Correct article usage
a magnificant
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magnificant
Correct your spelling
magnificent
 vacation. I looking forward to hearing from you soon. Best Regard, Ansory
Submitted by patricius.yohanes on

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coherence cohesion
You should provide a clearer structure by organizing your letter into paragraphs that address different points separately. For example: an introduction, the reason you need the loan, how you plan to pay it back, and a conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph contains a single idea. For example, introduce yourself in one paragraph, explain why you need the loan in another, and describe your repayment plan in a separate one.
task achievement
Pay attention to the tone and ensure it is formal and polite. For instance, 'I would be grateful if you could approve my loan request' instead of 'I need your hand to approve what I mean.'
task achievement
Consider rephrasing some sentences for clarity. For example, 'I recently received a warning from my college due to unpaid fees, and I urgently need funds to settle the arrears.'
task achievement
You have provided the necessary details about why you need the loan and how you plan to repay it.
task achievement
The letter includes a clear request for a loan and mentions the specific problem you're facing, which is important for a complete response.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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