IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. This has led to an increase in the number of elderly people who need care, often putting pressure on families and public services. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#countries #people #care #pressure #families #services
Since the 21st century
comes
Verb problem
apply
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology and information
has
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have
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 been booming, not only affecting our lives
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 but
also
 improving our health
care
. People
lives
Change the verb form
live
show examples
 longer than the previous century.
However
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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long-term
care
 for the elderly is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 crucial issue we need to
care
 about. I agree that
take
Wrong verb form
taking
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care
 of the elderly should spend amount of money and time, it definitely
put
Wrong verb form
puts
show examples
pressure
 on family
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
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 and
also
 government should
spent
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spend
show examples
enormous
Correct article usage
an enormous
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 budget
on
Correct pronoun usage
on it
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. Especially, the low rate
birth
Change preposition
of birth
show examples
 causes
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 shortage of man-power
also
put
Verb problem
makes
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 the situation more severe
as well
as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 the
economy
Replace the word
economic
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 issue can easily beat the family which is not wealthy enough.
Therefore
, the government should take
care
 of those who
in
Add a missing verb
are in
show examples
 need. Taiwan has the lowest birth rate in the whole world and with high density of the elderly population. Recently, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
couples are not willing to have a child
due to
 the high costs of education and living
expense
Fix the agreement mistake
expenses
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.
Therefore
, there will be less manpower to take
care
each
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of each
show examples
 of the elderly in a family. Take my family as an example; my grandma is
laying
Correct your spelling
lying
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on
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in
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 bed with sickness,
four
Correct word choice
and four
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 uncles including my dad taking
care
 of her with rotation.
However
, if it happens to me and my younger sister, both of us should
spent
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
 most of
time
Correct pronoun usage
our time
show examples
to take
Change the verb form
taking
show examples
care
 of our
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 or
hire
Wrong verb form
hiring
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 someone
instead
. It definitely brings me a lot of
pressure
.
While
 we finding the solution
of taking
Change preposition
to take
show examples
care
 of my grandma, the Taiwanese government serves several policies to meet our requirements. Including, sending professional health
care
 service to home, and subsidizing the special gear
as well as
 the fee of transportation. Those supports are definitely reducing
pressure
 on our
expense
Fix the agreement mistake
expenses
show examples
 and are necessary. All in all, the terms of society
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 changing now,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 increasing density of
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
bringing
Wrong verb form
brings
show examples
 some issues we need to solve. It put
pressure
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 my family and
also
other family
Change the wording
another family
other families
show examples
. The expense for the government’s service is colossal but it’s necessary for those in need. I hope each elderly can get good
care
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 them.
Submitted by aa0963178783 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and presents a clear position, but it would benefit from more specific examples and elaboration on key points. For instance, you could elaborate more on how the high costs of education and living expenses influence people's decisions not to have children.
coherence cohesion
Consider organizing your ideas more effectively. Each paragraph should have a clear main point and stick to it. For example, one paragraph could deal with the financial burden on families, while another could discuss governmental responsibilities. This will make your arguments clearer and more convincing.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay successfully presents an introduction and a conclusion, tackling the subject from both personal and societal perspectives. This is indeed a strong indicator of a well-rounded response.
supported main points
You have used specific examples like your personal family situation to support your arguments, which enhances the reader's understanding and engagement with your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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