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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activities of young age. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #government #money #time #activities #age
People argue that should use
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 budget to invest
on
Change preposition
in
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 leisure
activities
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
 rather than concentrate too much on education.
This
 essayist is fond of
such
state
Correct article usage
a state
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 and will give reasonable evidence. First and foremost, it is the
stress relating
Wrong verb form
related
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 issues
that
is
Change the verb form
are
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 the consequence of the lack of time for pupils to play or relax. Children or energetic and playful, and they
also
in
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apply
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need loads of relaxation,
moreover
, they tend to be very vulnerable to the lack of
activities
 and rest.
Consequently
,
such
 people might
get
Verb problem
apply
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suffer from illness, causing serious symptoms and mental problems like depression
and
Correct word choice
apply
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ect
Correct your spelling
etc
.
Thus
, children are potentially who will suffer from devastating impact if they do not get enough time for relaxation and leisure. On top of that, the overload of education can negatively impact the pupil’s future career. It is good to know that students should perform at the high points, though too much is not good. To explain, not always a student who is day and night study to as being very successful in the future
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
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 to a child who
get
Change the verb form
gets
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 enough knowledge with time to
plays
Wrong verb form
play
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. What’s more, local authorities can spend their budget to invest
on
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in
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 research to create various educational but fun
activities
 for young students to join.
Hence
, too much means not good, and it is true with the overload of education. In conclusion, the argument
of
Change preposition
for
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 the use of
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 budget to invest
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 leisure
activities
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
 should be conducted because it can reduce the stress related issues rather than causing too negative impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the psychological and mental health or future of the pupils.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph addresses a single main idea that directly supports your thesis. Some ideas in your essay seem mixed or not fully developed.
task achievement
Avoid using informal language and abbreviations such as 'ect.'. Stick to formal and academic language throughout the essay.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, you could mention specific leisure activities that have been shown to benefit children's mental health.
task achievement
Your essay identifies key issues such as stress and the impact on future careers, which are relevant to the topic.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your arguments effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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