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Band 5

Obesity is an ever-growing pandemic that is affecting more and more of the world’s population. The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth of overweight people in society? How can this issue be resolved?

#obesity #pandemic #world’s #population #people #risk #health #reason #growth #society
Nowadays
obesity
 has
became
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become
show examples
 a growing
problems
Correct the article-noun agreement
problem
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 that affects many people around the world. Not only
causing
Wrong verb form
causes
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 serious
health
 problems
such
 as
cardial
Correct your spelling
cardiac
 or digestive diseases, but it
also
 reduces people's quality of life by damaging their self-image and self-confidence.
Obesity
 can be attributed to several reasons, and some viable solutions that can be adopted to alleviate the situation will be outlined in
this
 essay. There are two main contributors to the growing number of overweight people in society. First of
all
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all,
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 is the lack of physical activities daily.
As a result
 of modernisation, the computerised office environment has become the most popular type of workplace, leaving employees with too few places to exercise or do physical activities.
Secondly
, the development of
Correct article usage
the fastfood
show examples
fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
 industry
also
 plays a big role in the overweight population problem. Fast-food restaurants are easily accessible all over the world nowadays. The
fastfood
Correct your spelling
fast food
fast-food
 meals with cheap prices are more suitable for today’s busy modern life than the healthy home-cooked meals, which
also
 take much longer time to prepare. There has been a lot of discussion about the solution to
obesity
 from many experts all over the world.
Firstly
,
health
 education programmes should be organised and targeted by the government. Information about the consequences of being overweight and how to avoid it should be disseminated through the media.
Secondly
, companies should be forced to focus more
about
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on
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 their employees’s
health
. More space for physical activities will encourage employees to do more exercises during their break
everyday
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every day
show examples
. In conclusion,
obesity
 should be taken more into account by everyone In order to reduce the medical burden
due to
 its serious impact on
health
 and quality of life.
Submitted by kimtruong270192 on

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advice
Your essay adequately addresses both questions in the task prompt but could benefit from a more detailed discussion on each point. For example, you could provide specific statistics or studies related to obesity to strengthen your argument.
advice
Try to improve the clarity and complexity of your ideas. Some sentences can be combined for a smoother flow. Additionally, consider using more varied vocabulary to enhance your points.
advice
Your essay has a clear structure, but you could further improve the logical flow between paragraphs. For instance, use transition phrases to better connect your ideas and ensure that each supporting point directly relates to the central theme discussed.
highlight
Both the introduction and conclusion are present and succinctly summarize the main ideas of the essay.
highlight
The essay presents a logical structure, with clear paragraphs that each address different aspects of the question.
highlight
You have successfully identified two main reasons for the increase in obesity and two corresponding solutions, providing a balanced approach to the discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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