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Band 5.5

In many parts of the world, women study science and technology, but donot work in these fields. What measures can be taken to encourage women to work in science and technology?

#parts #world #women #study #science #technology #donot #work #fields #measures
Despite studying
science
 and
technology
, many
women
 around the world do not pursue
careers
 in these
fields
.
This
 essay argues that
gender
 biases and inadequate workplace support are major factors contributing to
this
 issue, which can be addressed by promoting
gender
 equality and increasing average salaries. A significant reason
women
 avoid
science
 and
technology
careers
 is the pervasive
gender
 bias that suggests men are more suited for these
fields
.
This
 bias undermines
women
's confidence and discourages them from pursuing
such
careers
. To combat
this
, companies and institutions should implement policies that promote
gender
 equality. By ensuring fair recruitment processes and creating a supportive work environment, more
women
 will be encouraged to enter and stay in these
fields
. Another factor is the lower average salary in comparison to other professions. Increasing salaries in
science
 and
technology
 can make these
careers
 more attractive to
women
. Higher wages would not only improve their financial stability but
also
 signal the value of their contributions to these
fields
.
This
 change could encourage more
women
 to pursue and persist in
science
 and
technology
careers
. In conclusion, addressing
gender
 biases and improving financial incentives are crucial steps to encourage more
women
 to work in
science
 and
technology
. By creating a more equitable and supportive environment, we can ensure that
women
 who study these
fields
also
 have the opportunity to thrive in them.
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improvement
While the essay addresses the main points adequately, it could benefit from incorporating more specific examples or case studies. This would add depth and context to the arguments, making them more persuasive.
improvement
Strengthen the transition between paragraphs to further enhance the flow. For instance, connecting the idea of gender bias directly to the actions that companies can take would make the argument more cohesive.
positive
Clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which effectively summarize the main points while addressing the task.
positive
Logical structure and well-organized paragraphs that make the essay easy to follow.
positive
Direct and comprehensive response to the prompt, with relevant points and arguments presented in a cohesive manner.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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