IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many parts of the world, women study science and technology, but donot work in these fields. What measures can be taken to encourage women to work in science and technology?

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Despite studying
science
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 and
technology
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, many
women
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 around the world do not pursue
careers
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 in these
fields
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.
This
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 essay argues that
gender
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 biases and inadequate workplace support are major factors contributing to
this
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 issue, which can be addressed by promoting
gender
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 equality and increasing average salaries. A significant reason
women
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 avoid
science
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 and
technology
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careers
Use synonyms
 is the pervasive
gender
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 bias that suggests men are more suited for these
fields
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.
This
Linking Words
 bias undermines
women
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's confidence and discourages them from pursuing
such
Linking Words
careers
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. To combat
this
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, companies and institutions should implement policies that promote
gender
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 equality. By ensuring fair recruitment processes and creating a supportive work environment, more
women
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 will be encouraged to enter and stay in these
fields
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. Another factor is the lower average salary in comparison to other professions. Increasing salaries in
science
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 and
technology
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 can make these
careers
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 more attractive to
women
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. Higher wages would not only improve their financial stability but
also
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 signal the value of their contributions to these
fields
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.
This
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 change could encourage more
women
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 to pursue and persist in
science
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 and
technology
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careers
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. In conclusion, addressing
gender
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 biases and improving financial incentives are crucial steps to encourage more
women
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 to work in
science
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 and
technology
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. By creating a more equitable and supportive environment, we can ensure that
women
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 who study these
fields
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also
Linking Words
 have the opportunity to thrive in them.

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improvement
While the essay addresses the main points adequately, it could benefit from incorporating more specific examples or case studies. This would add depth and context to the arguments, making them more persuasive.
improvement
Strengthen the transition between paragraphs to further enhance the flow. For instance, connecting the idea of gender bias directly to the actions that companies can take would make the argument more cohesive.
positive
Clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which effectively summarize the main points while addressing the task.
positive
Logical structure and well-organized paragraphs that make the essay easy to follow.
positive
Direct and comprehensive response to the prompt, with relevant points and arguments presented in a cohesive manner.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Mentorship programs
  • Career advice
  • Early-career professionals
  • Scholarships
  • Funding opportunities
  • Financial barriers
  • Flexible working environments
  • Remote work options
  • Work-life balance
  • Visibility campaigns
  • Role models
  • Potential career paths
  • Stereotypes
  • Biases
  • Educational and professional settings
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