IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

The graphs below the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000.

#graphs #percentage #men #women #four #countries
The given diagram illustrates the
proportion
 of gender
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
in
Change preposition
between
show examples
 the ages of 60 to 64 in employment in four distinctive rural areas during three decades (from 1970 to 2000). Generally speaking, the data reveals that the
proportion
 of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 aged 60-64 who were recruited declined at
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half different countries by 1970 compared to 2000 except Belgium and
Japan
.
Nevertheless
, the percentage of
male
Add an article
a male
show examples
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 aged 60-64 rose
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 all countries from
begin
Change the verb form
beginning
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
end.
Additionally
, the
proportion
 of both gender employees in
Japan
 was
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Japan
 was the highest over a thirty-year span. The analysis shows that the figure for women employees in both the USA and Australia decreased slightly about 2% from 38% to 36% and 18% to 16% respectively between 1970 and 2000,
while
 Belgium increased
1
Change preposition
by 1
show examples
% and finished at 8% in 2000.
Besides
, the percentage of women
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 was chiefly given to
Japan
 and the
proportion
 remained the highest throughout the period, which was at 40% in 1970,
then
 rose quietly to 43% in 2000. Moving on to the
proportion
 of
men
Correct your spelling
male
show examples
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 in
Japan
,
this
 figure was the highest point at 74% at begin, before reaching a peak at 86% in 2000.
Furthermore
,
this
 period in both the USA and Australia rose significantly 53% to 73% and 47% to 76% in that order.
Especially
Rephrase
In particular
show examples
, the
proportion
 of
men
Correct your spelling
male
show examples
 workers in Belgium jumped to 79%
at the end
, after starting at the lowest percentage with 19% in 1970.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
You should work a bit more on creating a well-structured introduction and conclusion to give the essay a more cohesive framework.
clear comprehensive ideas
Ensure more clarity in presenting your ideas. Sometimes the details were a bit hard to follow due to repetitive or unclear phrasing.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid minor grammatical and lexical errors. They may not substantially detract from the meaning, but reducing them can improve the overall reading experience.
complete response
You covered all necessary points in the data, effectively discussing the trends across the countries and genders.
supported main points
Your main points were generally well supported with specific statistics from the graphs.
logical structure
The logical structure of your essay was mostly clear, allowing the reader to follow your argumentation reasonably well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: