IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The graphs below the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000.

#graphs #percentage #men #women #four #countries
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The given diagram illustrates the
proportion
 of gender
who
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apply
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in
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between
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 the ages of 60 to 64 in employment in four distinctive rural areas during three decades (from 1970 to 2000). Generally speaking, the data reveals that the
proportion
 of
female
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females
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 aged 60-64 who were recruited declined at
a
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apply
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half different countries by 1970 compared to 2000 except Belgium and
Japan
.
Nevertheless
, the percentage of
male
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a male
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worker
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workers
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 aged 60-64 rose
at
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in
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 all countries from
begin
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beginning
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 to
the
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end.
Additionally
, the
proportion
 of both gender employees in
Japan
 was
the
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Japan
 was the highest over a thirty-year span. The analysis shows that the figure for women employees in both the USA and Australia decreased slightly about 2% from 38% to 36% and 18% to 16% respectively between 1970 and 2000,
while
 Belgium increased
1
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by 1
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% and finished at 8% in 2000.
Besides
, the percentage of women
worker
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workers
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 was chiefly given to
Japan
 and the
proportion
 remained the highest throughout the period, which was at 40% in 1970,
then
 rose quietly to 43% in 2000. Moving on to the
proportion
 of
men
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male
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worker
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workers
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 in
Japan
,
this
 figure was the highest point at 74% at begin, before reaching a peak at 86% in 2000.
Furthermore
,
this
 period in both the USA and Australia rose significantly 53% to 73% and 47% to 76% in that order.
Especially
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In particular
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, the
proportion
 of
men
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male
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 workers in Belgium jumped to 79%
at the end
, after starting at the lowest percentage with 19% in 1970.
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introduction conclusion present
You should work a bit more on creating a well-structured introduction and conclusion to give the essay a more cohesive framework.
clear comprehensive ideas
Ensure more clarity in presenting your ideas. Sometimes the details were a bit hard to follow due to repetitive or unclear phrasing.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid minor grammatical and lexical errors. They may not substantially detract from the meaning, but reducing them can improve the overall reading experience.
complete response
You covered all necessary points in the data, effectively discussing the trends across the countries and genders.
supported main points
Your main points were generally well supported with specific statistics from the graphs.
logical structure
The logical structure of your essay was mostly clear, allowing the reader to follow your argumentation reasonably well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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