IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years.Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

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While
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 it is widely claimed that the
increased
Verb problem
apply
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rate of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 in
western
Capitalize word
Western
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 society
rosed up
Wrong verb form
has risen
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 to almost 20% in the
last
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 decades, others argue that
this
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 should considered
as
Change preposition
apply
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a serious threat since it could bring about numerous negative
outcome
Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
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to
Change preposition
for
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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society, especially
health
Use synonyms
 issues. Both points of view of what causing
this
Linking Words
 disturbing trend and its effects will be elaborated on in
this
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 essay.
To begin
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 with, it might seem sensible for some to believe that the consumption of high saturated fat foods
were
Change the verb form
was
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 the main culprit of
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this potential threats
Change the determiner
this potential threat
these potential threats
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for
Change preposition
to
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western
Capitalize word
Western
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 cultures.
This
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 is
possibly
Replace the adverb
possible
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 because western cuisines
involved
Wrong verb form
involve
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with
Change preposition
apply
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lots of fats based
such
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 as steaks, fries
, .
Change the punctuation
,
.
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 Take burgers,
for example
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;
although
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it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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seems
Correct subject-verb agreement
seem
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 nutritious full
essential
Change preposition
of essential
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 nutrients like carbohydrates, protein, and vegetables,
instead
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, it
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 actually packed with
mouthful
Add an article
a mouthful
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 of fats and high carbs.
Secondly
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,
along with
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 the shifting trends of playing in
recent
Add an article
the recent
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 world, young kids nowadays do not go out and play
outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors
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 around their neighbourhood like in the past. Combining these two factors of eating high fats and doing
fewer
Correct quantifier usage
less
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 activity is no wonder why the rate of obesity in the young peaked through
years
Correct article usage
the years
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.
Furthermore
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, I personally argue in favour of its detrimental effects seeing that being obese
in
Change preposition
at
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young
Correct article usage
a young
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 age could result in a
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
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health
Use synonyms
 issue in the future if we
are
Verb problem
do
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 not
solving
Wrong verb form
solve
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 it immediately. In
this
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 respect, there is an evident collating about the relation of obese
children
Use synonyms
 and
rate
Correct article usage
the rate
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 of chronic disease in their adult era represented that
two third
Correct your spelling
two-thirds
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 of the
subjects
Add a verb
subjects are
subjects were
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 likely to
developed
Wrong verb form
develop
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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renowed
Correct your spelling
renowned
renewed
 chronic non-communication diseases in the future
such
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 as diabetes and
hypertensions
Fix the agreement mistake
hypertension
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.
Moreover
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, it does not only affect
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
's
health
Use synonyms
 but
also
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to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
rises
Fix the agreement mistake
rise
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 of expenditures of the government to support the
remedys
Correct your spelling
remedies
remedy
 in
hospital
Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
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 for these possible patients. In summary,
although
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 it is undeniable that the
rising
Replace the word
rise
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 of overweight western
children
Use synonyms
 these days is obviously resulting from poor diet and
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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 lifestyle, I am of the opinion that it
as
Correct your spelling
is
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 an urgent topic for
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 to
dealt
Wrong verb form
deal
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 with as it not only
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
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 future citizens'
health
Use synonyms
 but
also
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 its expenses in order to make a healthier peoples of the world.

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task response
Your essay generally responds to the task, but there are areas for improvement. Firstly, ensure that every part of your essay is clear and comprehensible. For instance, phrases such as 'rosed up', 'full essential nutrients', and 'renowed chronic non-communication diseases' should be reviewed for clarity and grammatical accuracy.
coherence cohesion
While you have a logical structure overall, some transitions between paragraphs can be smoother. Linking sentence phrases, such as 'Firstly' and 'Secondly', are helpful but consider varying your linking devices to improve upon your cohesion. Additionally, avoid repetition to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction and a conclusion, which is great. However, ensure that all parts of the prompt are fully addressed to strengthen your task response. Check for slight inaccuracies in the introduction like 'rosed up' which should be corrected to 'rose up'.
task response
It's commendable that you provided examples, such as the reference to burgers. However, further examples can bolster your points. Also, ensure to elaborate on how these examples directly connect to your argument for clarity and persuasiveness.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion, making it easy to follow your main arguments.
task response
Including specific examples like burgers and their nutritional content supports your points and demonstrates your ability to think critically about the topic.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
What to do next:
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