The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years.Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.
While
it is widely claimed that the increased
rate of overweight Verb problem
apply
children
in western
society Capitalize word
Western
rosed up
to almost 20% in the Wrong verb form
has risen
last
decades, others argue that this
should considered as
a serious threat since it could bring about numerous negative Change preposition
apply
outcome
Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
to
Change preposition
for
the
society, especially Correct article usage
apply
health
issues. Both points of view of what causing this
disturbing trend and its effects will be elaborated on in this
essay.
To begin
with, it might seem sensible for some to believe that the consumption of high saturated fat foods were
the main culprit of Change the verb form
was
this potential threats
Change the determiner
this potential threat
these potential threats
for
Change preposition
to
western
cultures. Capitalize word
Western
This
is possibly
because western cuisines Replace the adverb
possible
involved
Wrong verb form
involve
with
lots of fats based Change preposition
apply
such
as steaks, fries, .
Take burgers, Change the punctuation
,
.
for example
; although
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
seems
nutritious full Correct subject-verb agreement
seem
essential
nutrients like carbohydrates, protein, and vegetables, Change preposition
of essential
instead
, it is
actually packed with Correct subject-verb agreement
are
mouthful
of fats and high carbs. Add an article
a mouthful
Secondly
, along with
the shifting trends of playing in recent
world, young kids nowadays do not go out and play Add an article
the recent
outdoor
around their neighbourhood like in the past. Combining these two factors of eating high fats and doing Replace the word
outdoors
fewer
activity is no wonder why the rate of obesity in the young peaked through Correct quantifier usage
less
years
.
Correct article usage
the years
Furthermore
, I personally argue in favour of its detrimental effects seeing that being obese in
Change preposition
at
young
age could result in a Correct article usage
a young
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
health
issue in the future if we are
not Verb problem
do
solving
it immediately. In Wrong verb form
solve
this
respect, there is an evident collating about the relation of obese children
and rate
of chronic disease in their adult era represented that Correct article usage
the rate
two third
of the Correct your spelling
two-thirds
subjects
likely to Add a verb
subjects are
subjects were
developed
Wrong verb form
develop
a
Correct article usage
apply
renowed
chronic non-communication diseases in the future Correct your spelling
renowned
renewed
such
as diabetes and hypertensions
. Fix the agreement mistake
hypertension
Moreover
, it does not only affect to
Change preposition
apply
children
's health
but also
to
the Change preposition
apply
rises
of expenditures of the government to support the Fix the agreement mistake
rise
remedys
in Correct your spelling
remedies
remedy
hospital
for these possible patients.
In summary, Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
although
it is undeniable that the rising
of overweight western Replace the word
rise
children
these days is obviously resulting from poor diet and sedentary
lifestyle, I am of the opinion that it Correct article usage
a sedentary
as
an urgent topic for Correct your spelling
is
government
to Correct article usage
the government
dealt
with as it not only Wrong verb form
deal
affect
future citizens' Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
health
but also
its expenses in order to make a healthier peoples of the world.Submitted by kamonluck1999 on
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task response
Your essay generally responds to the task, but there are areas for improvement. Firstly, ensure that every part of your essay is clear and comprehensible. For instance, phrases such as 'rosed up', 'full essential nutrients', and 'renowed chronic non-communication diseases' should be reviewed for clarity and grammatical accuracy.
coherence cohesion
While you have a logical structure overall, some transitions between paragraphs can be smoother. Linking sentence phrases, such as 'Firstly' and 'Secondly', are helpful but consider varying your linking devices to improve upon your cohesion. Additionally, avoid repetition to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction and a conclusion, which is great. However, ensure that all parts of the prompt are fully addressed to strengthen your task response. Check for slight inaccuracies in the introduction like 'rosed up' which should be corrected to 'rose up'.
task response
It's commendable that you provided examples, such as the reference to burgers. However, further examples can bolster your points. Also, ensure to elaborate on how these examples directly connect to your argument for clarity and persuasiveness.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion, making it easy to follow your main arguments.
task response
Including specific examples like burgers and their nutritional content supports your points and demonstrates your ability to think critically about the topic.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic
Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.
You essay structure should look something like this:
- Introduction
- Body paragraph 1 – Problems
- Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
- Conclusion
Examples to start your body paragraph:
- One of the first problems of the...
- Another problem that needs to be considered...
- A possible solution to this problem would be...
- One immediate practical solution is to...
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