Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.
Careful consideration must be given to whether or not having too many elders is beneficial for
the
society. From the writer's perspective, the drawbacks of postponing economic Correct article usage
apply
growths
and financial pressures on the Fix the agreement mistake
growth
government
far outweigh the benefit
of establishing a strong community.
To commence with, delaying the developments in Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
economy
is one of the cons of having many older Add an article
the economy
an economy
people
. In other words
, because old workers always show poor performances in their jobs, individuals also
display lower productivities
than the young ones. Fix the agreement mistake
productivity
As a result
, elderly workforces are the prime barriers for all of
firms Change preposition
apply
due to
ineffective operations that make them far from success.
Furthermore
, dealing with the stress in finance on the government
is literally a disadvantage of the increasing elderly. To be more specific, the
older who retire after a long period of working are able to Correct article usage
apply
recieve
social Correct your spelling
receive
welfares
Fix the agreement mistake
welfare
came
from the Verb problem
apply
government
such
as pensions. Moreover
, because
individuals just gain these benefits without paying for any Correct word choice
apply
Change preposition
for frees
frees
. the Fix the agreement mistake
free
government
cannot return the amount of money they spent on, leading to the shortage in their budgets and do not have more spending on other vital categories. For example
, in 2021, 22% of local authories
in Japan had to spend Correct your spelling
authorities
Correct article usage
a totally
totally
Change the word
total
$
700 million every year for the officers who were in retirement, Change preposition
of $
this
practice also
made 3% of these authories
Correct your spelling
authors
authorities
authorises
were
in red for a long time.
Unnecessary verb
apply
However
, some people
believe that having a large number of elerly
Correct your spelling
elderly
people
helps their communities more solid. It must be recognized that the seniors are people
who have undergone many aspects of their lives so they are experienced in several parts of society that can direct the future generations buliding
adequate communities in productive ways.Correct your spelling
building
This
point may be true, but some thoughts of the elderly are obsolete and irrelevant to contemporary issues so it is perhaps not essential at now.
In conclusion, the advantage of making community
with stability is greatly outweighed by the Correct article usage
a community
disadvatages
of hanging on economic developments Correct your spelling
disadvantages
disadvantage
as well as
governments's
financial stress. Correct your spelling
government's
Hence
, it i not beneficial for society when having more older people
.Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on
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task achievement
Your response addresses the task, but there are some areas for improvement. Make sure to stay focused on the topic and clarify your main points. Support each argument with relevant, specific examples to enhance your essay's depth.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has clear structure with an introduction and conclusion. The logical flow of ideas can be refined further by using more varied linking words and phrases. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic and addresses both viewpoints effectively.
coherence cohesion
You have included both an introduction and a conclusion, which helps provide a clear structure to your essay.
supported main points
Each main point is supported with reasoning, which aids in explaining your perspective.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.