IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that public health within a country can be improved by government making laws regarding nutritious food. Others, however, think that health is a matter of personal choice and responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is said that the government should determine a regulation about nutrition
food
Use synonyms
 to enhance healthy care in a nation.
While
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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 some believe that public health should be individual for some plausible reason. Others feel that it should be taken into account to several extents. There are arguments on both sides which I will explain in
this
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 essay. On the one hand,
people
Use synonyms
 who oppose healthy
food
Use synonyms
 regulation argue that many
people
Use synonyms
 love unhealthy meals. It is because they want to try something new.
For instance
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, There are many varieties of noodles which are sold in supermarkets
which
Correct word choice
and
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 are consumed by many
people
Use synonyms
 regularly.
In addition
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, unhealthy
food
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 is simple. It is said that several societies do not stay with family, they do not have much time to cook daily for themself.
Therefore
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, ordering junk
food
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 is the best option for them.
Lastly
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, producing and selling unhealthy products gives revenue
for
Change preposition
to
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 a country. It is because one of a nation’s income is taxes which are paid by a company to the tax ministry.
On the other hand
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,by making laws about healthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
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,
firstly
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, it can advise the citizens to choose healthy lifestyles. It is done by the health ministry with a campaign for
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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 life.
As a
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result
Add a comma
result,
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People
Use synonyms
 who do not know about the importance of health will try to change their habit
in
Change preposition
of
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 selecting dish sources with high nutritional content.
Secondly
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, regulation can prevent diseases in a country.
For instance
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, Indonesia banned several instances
working
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of working
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 offline because of
coronavirus
Correct article usage
the coronavirus
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 in 2020. In conclusion, it seems to me that public care regulations are beneficial to some extent.
However
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, I firmly believe that the
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
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from
Change preposition
of
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this
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 issue should be forgotten.
such
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 as Instant eating is simple and is liked by many generations, including unhealthy products that are one of the incomes for a nation.

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coherence cohesion
Work on sentence variety and avoid repetitive wording. Some sentences are quite short and could be combined for better fluency.
task achievement
The essay would benefit from a more detailed explanation of each point. Providing more specific examples and elaborating on them would strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that transition words and phrases are used consistently to link ideas. This will aid in improving the overall cohesion of the essay.
task achievement
The essay appropriately discusses both views on the topic, which shows an understanding of the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a well-organized framework for the response.
task achievement
Main points are present and are mostly supported with relevant reasons or examples.
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