IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The percentage of overweight children in Western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #effects #trend
Overweight
children
 are one of the big problems in the world, especially in Western society that increased
around
Change preposition
by around
show examples
 20% during the
last
 ten years. I think being overweight for
children
 is very dangerous, which is usually caused by an uncontrolled diet that leads to some diseases and less activity.
This
 essay will discuss
causes
Correct article usage
the causes
show examples
 and effects of overweight
children
. The obesity of
children
 is caused by an unhealthy diet and
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 activities.
Firstly
, most
children
 below 12 years old usually like to consume unhealthy
food
,
for
instance
Add the comma(s)
instance,
show examples
 junk
food
, fast
food
 and all types of street
food
. Actually, the ingredients of
food
 are not controlled as it is high in sugar.
Secondly
, many
children
 are
lazy
Rephrase
too lazy
show examples
for following
Change preposition
to follow
show examples
 some activities outside their
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
. There are many factors like using a mobile handphone,
for example
 playing games and less social interaction
due to
 comfortable feeling playing in the home. These two causes happen
due to
 less control and less attention from parents. The impact of unhealthy eating styles and less
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
 can be seen in various aspects. One of the most notable effects is disease or illness. To illustrate, when
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 don’t have a proportional body and
as a
consequence
Add a comma
consequence,
show examples
 they will get bullied by their friends.
Therefore
 the mental health condition is disturbing the cycle of growth for the
children
. Another effect is the
children
 have less interest in exercise with their friends.
Finally
, the
children
 became less confident and spent most of their time at home. The big problems about overweight
children
 are a concern of the health world. Most of
the
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 caused by an uncontrolled diet. I predict in the future it can increase to 50% and the Government needs to seriously concern about that.
Submitted by writingbersama on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that the essay presents precise, relevant examples. For instance, discuss specific studies or statistical data to support the points made. This not only strengthens the argument but also shows a deeper understanding of the issue.
task achievement
The essay should elaborate on the points made to provide a clearer understanding. For example, explaining how specific unhealthy foods contribute to weight gain or how exactly a sedentary lifestyle affects children.
coherence cohesion
Improve transitions between paragraphs and ideas for smoother flow. For instance, when moving from causes to effects, use linking sentences to guide the reader through your argument seamlessly.
language
Check for minor grammatical and stylistic errors. This will help in making the essay more polished and professional. For example, using 'less activity' should be 'fewer activities', and refining sentences such as 'The obesity of children is caused by'.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion that frame the essay well. The conclusion in particular resonates and summarizes the concerns effectively.
task achievement
The main points are well-chosen and relevant to the topic at hand. Discussing diet and activity levels addresses the common causes comprehensively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
What to do next:
Look at other essays: