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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The chart shows the percentage of people in one country, by age group, who visited one or more museums in 2006, 2011 and 2016. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart shows the percentage of people in one country, by age group, who visited one or more museums in 2006, 2011 and 2016. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#percentage #people #country #age #group #museums #summarise #information #features #comparisons
The bar chart illustrates the percentage of
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 in
differante
Correct your spelling
different
 age groups who visited at least one or more
museums
 between 2006 ,2010 and 2016.
Overall
,the age
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 55-64
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 the highest number of
people
 who visited
museums
 in total.It is clear
see
Verb problem
apply
show examples
that in 2006,
people
 in
middle
Correct article usage
the middle
show examples
aged
Replace the word
ages
show examples
 went to
museums
made
Verb problem
apply
show examples
up
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
40%.
However
,the elderly
people
 who went to one or more
museums
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 the lowest amount of total numbers in these three years,which percentage of numbers are less than 25%. The youngest group in 2006,2011and 2016 had
simaliry
Replace the word
a similar
show examples
 proportion of
people
 who went to
museums
(25%,26% and 25%).
However
,when
people
 get older the numbers get higher, the figure for the aged 25-34 and 35-44 showed
upward
Add an article
an upward
show examples
 trend in these three years(28%,30%,32% and 20%,30%,37%)
respectivily
Correct your spelling
respectively
.
While
 the aged 45 to 54
not
Add a missing verb
were not
show examples
 that into
went
Wrong verb form
going
show examples
 to
museum
Fix the agreement mistake
museums
show examples
 like
people
 in 35-
44
Change preposition
to 44
show examples
, the figures in 2011 and 2016 showed the same percentage(30%).
Submitted by diana1992lin on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words museums, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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