IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people work for the same organisation all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organisations. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #work #organisation #life #organisations
Nowadays, job demands have been increasing significantly. By virtue of
this
 view, some argue that staying in the same
company
 for the entire working time is the most viable option.
However
, I believe that people should have experience working for different institutions. There are various reasons to stay in a
company
 for a long period. First of all, the proponents of
this
 idea believe that loyalty is an essential factor in working culture. Employers value their loyal employees in several ways, including giving them perks and bonuses,
thus
 giving the workers a sense of belonging to their
company
.
Moreover
, in view of the fact that they have been in that particular business for a long time, they generally receive pay increments or promotions to a better position. These career escalations might not able to be experienced by those who constantly change their work.
On the other hand
,
this
 decision has some drawbacks for someone's job progression.
Firstly
, businesses commonly search for a person who has broad experience since they can help the
company
 to grow. By learning through various
companies
, they are able to synthesise what they have absorbed in those
companies
 to improve themselves and
thus
 they have more value to offer to employers.
Furthermore
, it appears to be a practical way to extend and grow someone's network. Having a virtuous network can be seen as a way to boost workers' credibility.
Therefore
, the chance of getting a decent job is
also
 increasing.
Therefore
, it is actually recommended by human resources to move to a different
company
 every two to five years.
For instance
,
top tier
Add a hyphen
top-tier
show examples
companies
 in Indonesia prefer candidates who
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 tried to work in other
companies
 to someone who only experienced
to work
Change the verb form
working
show examples
 in a single
company
 their whole career life.
To sum up
,
while
 loyalty is seen as a fundamental factor, the benefits acquired from changing jobs periodically, ranging from adding more value to a person to extending connections, outweigh the disadvantages.
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task achievement
Your essay covers both views and provides a clear opinion, which is great. However, consider adding more specific examples to strengthen your argument further. For instance, naming particular industries or roles where staying in one company is beneficial could add depth.
coherence cohesion
While your main points are well-developed and supported, making sure each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next can boost cohesion. Using more transitional phrases or connectors might help with this.
task achievement
You've comprehensively addressed both sides of the argument and provided a nuanced personal opinion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which enhances readability.
coherence cohesion
The use of specific terminology such as 'pay increments,' 'career escalations,' and 'network' shows a good command of language.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Longevity
  • Corporate ladder
  • Adaptability
  • Comfort zone
  • Professional network
  • Diverse skill set
  • Industry exposure
  • Innovation
  • Resilience
  • Seniority
  • Job market
  • Career trajectory
  • Company culture
  • Professional growth
  • Job security
  • Promotion prospects
  • Cross-functional experience
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