Some people believe that non-academic subjects at school should be removed from the syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
According to
some people, art and music
classes should be replaced by more utilitarian subjects like science and computer classes. While
I understand the importance of equipping children with skills that are immediately applicable in their lives, I firmly believe that music
education
holds significant value and should not be discarded.
Initially
, music
education
influences happiness, there is no denying that music
( and dancing ) makes feel
good and happy. Studies have shown that Correct pronoun usage
one feel
while
listening to music
the brain releases dopamine, and this
hormone is responsible for feeling happiness, excitement and joy. It
Add the auxiliary verb
It has
also
been shown that it alleviates depression, moreover
, music
helps to decreases
stress Change the verb
decrease
hormone
in the body, for Fix the agreement mistake
hormones
an
example, some surgeons play Correct article usage
apply
music
to reduce stress and anxiety, also
Correct word choice
and also
it
helps doctors to focus, Correct pronoun usage
apply
therefore
the benefits is
highly Change the verb form
are
valueable
and have the same positive effects in any field.
Correct your spelling
valuable
Additionally
, music
education
can forest in creative thinking skills, researches
shows that children who receive musical training Fix the agreement mistake
Research
shows
a development in language area and solving mathematical problems, and the credit goes to making the brain used to reading Change the verb form
show
music
and understanding rhythms and recognising patterns. Furthermore
, creating music
and rhythms is based on personal effort, unlike science subjects music
education
does not follow rules or constants, it rely
most of the time on intellectual and free thinking and creative ideas, those benefits suggest Change the verb form
relies
music
education
supports enhances
learning in other academic areas.
In conclusion, there's no doubt that Wrong verb form
enhanced
music
education
enriches student's academic and emotional skills, the
time and money Correct word choice
and the
is
well spent, Correct subject-verb agreement
are
therefore
, school
should strive to maintain Fix the agreement mistake
schools
the
balanced Correct article usage
a
education
, to ensure that students receive a comprehensive education
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on
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grammar
Ensure all sentences are grammatically correct and avoid run-on sentences. For example, 'It also been shown that it alleviates depression' should be 'It has also been shown that it alleviates depression'. Pay attention to verb tenses.
detail
Include some more specific examples to further illustrate how music education benefits students academically and emotionally. This will make your arguments even stronger and more convincing.
coherence
Work on refining your transitions between ideas to make the essay flow more smoothly. For instance, 'Additionally' and 'Furthermore' can be replaced with more varied transitional phrases.
content
Your essay covers the topic comprehensively and presents clear, relevant arguments for the importance of music education.
structure
You have a strong introduction and conclusion that frames your essay well, summarizing your points effectively.
evidence
The points about the benefits of music education on emotional well-being and cognitive development are well made and supported with relevant information.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.