IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. What are the positive and negative impacts of playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

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In
this
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 present time, the use of technology is constantly on the rise, including the utilization of
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computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
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 globally. Even
the
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apply
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juveniles adopt to use
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computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
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for
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on
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their
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a
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 daily basis, especially for playing
video
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games
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. There are many discussions that letting
children
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to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
play
video
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games
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 would lead to negative effects rather than positive sides. In
this
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 essay, the writer will elaborate
the
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on the
show examples
 implications of enjoying
video
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games
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 for kids both
are in
Verb problem
apply
show examples
positive and negative impacts, and the treatments that should be taken to reduce the negative sides.
First,
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playing
video
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games
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 for
children
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 can be
medium
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a medium
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 for them to learn to
english
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English
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 language, especially if it
was
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is
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 not their first language.
For example
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, take Kevin as my nephew who is still
in
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apply
show examples
7 years old. He managed to acquire some basic words in
english
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English
show examples
due to
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 his routine
on
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of
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 playing
computer
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games
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. In the process of joining
video
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games
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,
children
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's
brain
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brains
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 will try to find ways
on
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apply
show examples
how to complete the game, even though they are not familiar with the language. Yet, participating of playing
video
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games
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also
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contribute
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contributes
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 to
train
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training
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 their motoric system.
On the other hand
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, parents should monitor their
children
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 regularly on using computers, especially
video
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games
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. Sometimes, when kids play
video
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games
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, they intend to
be
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become
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addictive
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addicted
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then
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and then
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 forget about the time
passed
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that passed
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.
For instance
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, something happened with Andri, one of my
niece
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nieces
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. She has been too
addictive
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addicted
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 to
play
Wrong verb form
playing
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games
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 on
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computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
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,
then
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 she would cry
out of
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apply
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burst if her parent
take
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took
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 that device. It can
also
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 make them too tired after playing too long,
then
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 ignoring
to do
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apply
show examples
their other main tasks,
such
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 as
study
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studying
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. In conclusion, giving access for
juvenile
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juveniles
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 to play
computer
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games
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 will lead to positive effects,
such
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 as learning new languages and training
the
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apply
show examples
motoric skills.
However
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, that activity should be strictly scrutinized by adults to avoid the
addictive
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addiction
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 of playing
video
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games
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.

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task achievement
You have addressed both positive and negative impacts of playing computer games, and suggested measures to minimize the negative effects. However, ensure that your ideas are more comprehensively developed and include a variety of examples. For instance, you can discuss the cognitive benefits of video games beyond language learning, such as problem-solving skills or hand-eye coordination.
coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-organized, but there is room to enhance logical progression. It's useful to start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. For example, the benefits and drawbacks could be more distinctly separated.
positive highlights
Grammar and vocabulary usage are quite good, but there are minor errors that affect clarity and flow. For instance, "let's children enjoy..." should be "lets children enjoy..." and "motoric system" should be "motor skills." Ensure to proofread and make slight corrections to avoid these minor pitfalls.
task achievement
The essay successfully identifies both positive and negative impacts of playing video games and provides concrete examples to illustrate these points. Your personal anecdotes make the essay relatable and engaging.
task achievement
You offer practical solutions to mitigate the negative effects of video games, showing a balanced perspective. This approach is effective in achieving a complete response to the essay question.
coherence cohesion
Your structure includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which makes the essay easy to follow. This shows a good understanding of basic essay format.
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