IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Should wealthy people be obliged to share their financial success with poor people by supporting health services and education, or is this the responsibility of the poor to improve their own standard of living? Give your opinion.

#people #success #health #services #education #responsibility
There are common
belief
Fix the agreement mistake
beliefs
show examples
such
 as rich
people
 must help
people
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poverty by spending their
money
 to improve health care and education systems,
while
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 think that poor
people
 should take care
themselves
Change preposition
of themselves
show examples
. I personally believe that everyone should be responsible
to advance
Change preposition
for advancing
show examples
 their living
standarts
Correct your spelling
standards
.
Firstly
, every financial
support
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not
last
 forever and
relying
Add the preposition
relying on
relying upon
show examples
such
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
help can lead
terrible
Change preposition
to terrible
show examples
consuquences
Correct your spelling
consequences
. Charities,
support
 companies and wealthy patrons
not always be
Change the verb form
are not always
were not always
show examples
 able to
privide
Correct your spelling
provide
poor
Change preposition
for poor
show examples
 communities as there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 chance that
econimical
Correct your spelling
economical
economic
 crisis might hinder their ability to help.
Furthermore
, Rich
people
 often
worked
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 hard to gain
such
amount
Correct article usage
an amount
show examples
 of
money
 that allows them
live
Add the particle
to live
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
prosperous
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. In
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 most
them
Change preposition
of them
show examples
 will
be disagree
Change the verb form
disagree
show examples
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 giving away
money
 that earn with great difficulty.
For instance
, our government forced wealthy
people
 to provide medical operation
people
Change preposition
to people
show examples
 who
strugling
Correct your spelling
struggling
 with financial
scarsity
Correct your spelling
scarcity
security
. We
also
 count on
this
support
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 my
mothers
Change to a genitive case
mother's
mothers'
show examples
 operation but when the day the operation
take
Wrong verb form
took
show examples
 place we do not
recieved
Correct your spelling
receive
received
 any financial
support
.
Secondly
, oversupporting can lead
people
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poverty to
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 lazy and irresponsible. In
modern
Correct article usage
a modern
show examples
community
Add a comma
community,
show examples
 each person should somehow give their
contribution
Replace the word
contribute
show examples
 to improving their community.
Individs
Correct your spelling
Individuals
 who
always
Add a missing verb
have always
show examples
taken
Wrong verb form
take
show examples
support
 from external
resourses
Correct your spelling
resources
 like patrons and charities do not think
other
Change preposition
of other
show examples
 ways of earning income and would be
depented
Correct your spelling
dependent
 and vulnerable
such
Change preposition
to such
show examples
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
support
. In
turn
Add a comma
turn,
show examples
 it will lead
Change preposition
to
show examples
leaziness
Correct your spelling
laziness
sleaziness
 and poor
people
 will not improve their conditions in the long run.
For example
, we have
beggers
Correct your spelling
beggars
show examples
 in my country, in past
decates
Correct your spelling
decades
 they used to beg for
money
 and they
so
Add a missing verb
are so
show examples
 obsessed with
this
 they even do not think about working.
To conclude
, I can state that despite
fact
Add an article
the fact
show examples
 that it is very generous for wealthy
people
 to
supporting
Change the form of the verb
support
show examples
 poor
people
, I think that poor
people
 should be
responcible
Correct your spelling
responsible
 for their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Submitted by Teo Halimov on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance the logical structure of your essay, make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly from one idea to the next. You might want to use more linking words and phrases such as 'however,' 'therefore,' and 'in addition.' This will help your essay flow better and improve coherence.
task response
You present an argument and relevant points, but to achieve a higher score, aim to provide more comprehensive ideas by elaborating on each point with more depth. For instance, you could explain the long-term consequences of relying on charity in greater detail.
task response
Your examples are relevant but could be more specific and well-connected to your main argument. Providing a wider variety of specific examples would strengthen your essay. Also, ensure they directly support the point you're making in each paragraph.
organization
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, summarizing your main points well.
task response
You provide relevant ideas and some specific examples to support your arguments. This enhances the reader's understanding of your perspective.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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