IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many office authorities impose a restriction on smoking within the office premises. Some governments have even banned smoking in all public places. This is a good idea but it takes away some of our freedom. What is your opinion?

#office #authorities #restriction #premises #governments #places #idea #freedom
Smoking and its related regulations have been at the center of many hot debates with some governments and authorities suggesting that it should be fully banned in
workplace
Fix the agreement mistake
workplaces
show examples
 and public places
while
 some argue that it might be seen as an invasion
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 one's sense of
freedom
. Considering the fact that smoking, if done publicly, can have many detrimental influences on the
overall
 health of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
non-smokers, I personally believe that strict rules and restrictions are essential to keep the
reprecautions
Correct your spelling
precautions
 at
minimum
Correct article usage
a minimum
show examples
. It goes without saying that smoking, in general, is not a healthy habit since it can be the main cause of severe illnesses like lung cancer;
therefore
, most authorities aim to avoid
it's
Correct your spelling
its
show examples
 spread by imposing restrictions that mostly revolve around the goal of keeping the public healthy .
this
 target
however
Add the comma(s)
, however
show examples
, is only reachable with strict limitations on
cigarrett
Correct your spelling
cigarette
 consumption in public
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is logical and acceptable considering the catastrophic
concequenses
Correct your spelling
consequences
 of long-term exposure to second-hand smoke which is the smoke exhaled by the
somekers
Correct your spelling
smokers
 that will
inavitably
Correct your spelling
inevitably
 put the surrounding non-smokers in danger of serious health problems.
However
, some believe these laws can be viewed as threats to one's social
freedom
 which is not a very valid reason
scine
Correct your spelling
since
 the population that these
regulaions
Correct your spelling
regulations
 are planning to protect, is the people who do not engage in smoking themselves. Meaning that trying to save some people from the aftermath of others' actions is not
jeopradizing
Correct your spelling
jeopardising
 the latter's
freedom
. In conclusion, despite the present
argumets
Correct your spelling
arguments
argument
 around the possible violation of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
smokers'
freedom
 by the imposed limitations, ensuring that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
non-smokers are not constantly exposed to smoke is of utmost importance.
Submitted by TUTOO on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To elevate your essay to a higher score range, consider incorporating more specific examples or case studies that illustrate your points. For instance, you could mention specific health statistics or cite specific governmental regulations and their effects.
task achievement
Ensure the consistency of terminology. For example, 'repercussions' instead of 'reprecautions,' 'consequences' instead of 'concequenses,' and 'jeopardizing' instead of 'jeopradizing'. This attention to detail will enhance the professionalism of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the logical flow between your ideas. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For example, start your supporting paragraphs with clear topic sentences that succinctly encompass the main idea of the paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Refine the conclusion by more clearly summarizing your main points and reinforcing your overall argument. A strong conclusion can elevate the overall coherence and impact of your essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic thoroughly and presents a clear position on the issue of smoking regulations in public places and workplaces.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the conclusion provides a succinct wrap-up of the main points.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well-supported with logical reasoning, contributing to the essay's overall coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: