All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity, How could it be tackled?
Obesity has been a growing phenomenon in many societies across the world, and it negatively impacts
on
adults Change preposition
apply
an
kids. Since inactive behaviour is leading to Correct your spelling
and
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
between
Change preposition
among
youngesters
, I believe it can be solved by governmental Correct your spelling
youngsters
activities
.
Adults and young people
are struggling with obesity issue
in the world, and Fix the agreement mistake
issues
sedentary
lifestyle might be the main one among some possible reasons. To be more clear, Correct article usage
a sedentary
sedentary
lifestyle which Add an article
a sedentary
the sedentary
people
do not do any physical activities
or do not study at
anywhere, and just stay at Change preposition
apply
their
home. Correct pronoun usage
apply
For instance
, a person mostly spends time at home,
and does some Remove the comma
apply
activities
, such
as,
playing video games, watching movies, and eating so much amount of foods that are fattening, for a long time. Remove the comma
apply
As a result
, mature and immature people
have been gaining so much weight and becoming fat. Additionally
,
Furthermore
, everyone want
to be healthier and thinner, and there are some achievable ways to handle Change the verb form
wants
this
problem globally. For instance
, the government must organize national running marathons for everyone, and they should give different prizes and gifts for
Change preposition
to
people
's winning
and Wrong verb form
win
being
active. Wrong verb form
are
As a consequence
, people
motivate themselves to get valuable awards through
running Change preposition
by
in
Change preposition
apply
a long distances
like tens of kilometres. Correct the article-noun agreement
a long distance
long distances
In addition
, specialists teach and guide people
to a more
healthier life Change the word
apply
through
giving some information on a television programme, so when they realize and know what Change preposition
by
are
beneficial or not, they Change the verb form
is
would
change themselves efficiently.
In conclusion, Verb problem
can
while
overweight issues are common among both grown-up and middle-aged people
because of lack
Correct article usage
a lack
physical
Change preposition
of physical
activities
, it can be prevented by local authorities.Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on
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task achievement
Your essay has a good structure, but the main points could be better supported with specific examples and elaboration. Try to add more details and explanations to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to avoid repetition and redundancy. For instance, 'adults and young people' can be simply stated as 'people' after the initial distinction is made. This will make your essay more concise and clear.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your arguments effectively.
task achievement
You have identified and explained a key reason for the rise in obesity and proposed potential solutions, showing good understanding of the topic.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?