IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. Do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, one of the key challenges that all the authorities face is the dilemma of budget
spilt
Correct your spelling
split
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
 some people think that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should spend
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
others think
to invest
Change the verb form
investing
show examples
 in public facilities first. No doubt,
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
priorities can vary among
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
countries, depending on the condition of the country whether
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
developing
Correct article usage
a developing
show examples
 or developed country. From my perspective, both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views are truthful. I will give a brief explanation
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views in the following essay. There has
being
Wrong verb form
been
show examples
 a history of music and theatre, in almost all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cultures
across
Change preposition
apply
show examples
worldwide and
if
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
we notice that
music
Correct article usage
the music
show examples
industry
Use synonyms
 has grown
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
rapidly.
For example
Linking Words
, talking about Mumbai city of India,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is popular
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
Bollywood
Correct article usage
the Bollywood
show examples
industry
Use synonyms
known
Correct word choice
and known
show examples
 for music and theatre. Government investing in
this
Linking Words
industry
Use synonyms
 and considering public interest
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 it creates
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
room for employment which indirectly makes public services more in demand. There will be more job opportunities, as the
industry
Use synonyms
 will
be needing
Wrong verb form
need
show examples
huge
Change the article
a huge
the huge
show examples
 number of people.
Therefore
Linking Words
, benefiting
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the citizens.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, governments should
also
Linking Words
 consider better availability of public services. Since these items are basic human needs, they should be well provided. To do
this
Linking Words
, authorities should budget some money for them.
For instance
Linking Words
 , by providing good health facilities, the state will support its people to have better health access.
Moreover
Linking Words
, by letting individuals have the opportunity to use fine public
transports
Fix the agreement mistake
transport
show examples
 or high-quality education, the state will improve its citizens' quality of life.
Thus
Linking Words
, spending money on public facilities is
also
Linking Words
 quite pivotal. On balance, since funding for the arts and providing public access are significant things to do, it is pretty difficult to make a conclusion, whether I agree or disagree.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction does a good job of presenting the issue and stating your perspective. However, it can be more engaging and concise. Aim to clearly state your stance on the topic, whether you agree or disagree, and then briefly outline the points you'll cover.
task achievement
The main points in your essay are generally clear and supported with relevant examples. However, ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, and avoid overly complex or lengthy sentences that might confuse the reader. Try to directly address how investing in the arts might conflict or complement investing in public services.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion is present but can be stronger. It should succinctly summarize your main points and give a clear final opinion on the matter. It should not introduce new information but should re-emphasize your stance.
coherence cohesion
There is a need for better transitions between your ideas and paragraphs to improve the logical flow of your essay. Connective language (e.g., 'furthermore,' 'however,' 'on the other hand') can help link your paragraphs and ideas more cohesively.
task achievement
You have attempted to address both sides of the issue, which shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The examples you provided, such as the reference to Mumbai and the Bollywood industry, were relevant and helped to illustrate your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each tackling a specific aspect of the discussion.
coherence cohesion
You have made a good effort to present a balanced view, acknowledging the importance of both arts and public services.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural enrichment
  • expression of creativity
  • promote diversity
  • enhance social cohesion
  • boost tourism
  • job creation
  • stimulate economic growth
  • improve quality of life
  • essential services
  • maintenance and development
What to do next:
Look at other essays: